I hope you aren’t reading this with a faint heart. Today was the worst day of my life. Yesterday was a blur, I was floating a cloud of people, caffeine, adreneline, disbelief. Today I am a puddle on the ground. It tried to go to his funeral planning session and I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking, I was nauseous. I had to leave and as I walked out I crumpled on the sidewalk and wailed and screamed. The reality of picking out a casket for your child is one of those things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wish I could have been stabbed instead or beat in the head with a baseball bat. I just want to sink down in the ground and be gone. I don’t want to die because I have four beautiful alive children that need me. I just don’t know I’m ever going to be able to be a parent to them. I’m not whole anymore. I’m broken. Shattered.