I hope you aren’t reading this with a faint heart.  Today was the worst day of my life.  Yesterday was a blur, I was floating a cloud of people, caffeine, adreneline, disbelief.  Today I am a puddle on the ground.  It tried to go to his funeral planning session and I couldn’t breathe.  I was shaking, I was nauseous.  I had to leave and as I walked out I crumpled on the sidewalk and wailed and screamed.  The reality of picking out a casket for your child is one of those things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I wish I could have been stabbed instead or beat in the head with a baseball bat.  I just want to sink down in the ground and be gone.  I don’t want to die because I have four beautiful alive children that need me.  I just don’t know I’m ever going to be able to be a parent to them.  I’m not whole anymore.  I’m broken. Shattered.


12 thoughts on “darkness

  1. I hate this so much for you. There are no words to describe this tragedy. Keep writing. Wail. Yell. Scream. You are not alone though. So many people love you all. Wish I could take it all away.


  2. Melissa,
    You do not know me, but I know of you through friends in MOPS. I cannot imagine the pain and heartbreak you are suffering. I am heartbroken for you and your family. Please know that you are in my prayers.


  3. I wanted to tell you I’m praying for you and your family. I remember going to choose a casket for my own brother when I was 18. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and now at I have kids of my own I can’t fathom how my parents did it. Please know that our hearts are broken for your family, our prayers are with you, and God is with you every terrible minute of this nightmare.


  4. Oh Melissa,
    I’ve found myself lost in thought and crying since I drove by the scene on Fri morning. I pray for strength and comfort for you and your family.

    As you share your pain, my heart breaks for you. I think you are so strong and brave. You did get up off that sidewalk.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Melissa,
    You do not know me, but I know of you through friends in MOPS. I cannot imagine the unbearable pain you have unexpectedly been thrown into…..your family’s world turned upside down in an instant. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family, and will continue to do so. I admire your bravery for sharing.
    Most Sincerely,


  6. Melissa,
    You are so brave and strong to share your feelings, and to just get out of bed! As a parent, your loss seems unbearable to me, and keeps me awake at night. I don’t know how you move through the day and try to parent your beautiful daughters and son. Although they need you and Rich so very much, you need to be able to grieve Lucas every minute that is required. Your bond with Lucas was so very special, not all Mothers have/ or will, experience this. I am so thankful you were blessed with such a loving, compassionate son for the 15 beautiful years you had together. I will continue to pray for your strength to go on…. Lyvonne


  7. I feel your pain and hear your cries and totally understand. I wrote to you earlier of losing our daughter very suddenly seven years ago. Parents aren’t supposed to pick out caskets and grave plots for their children. That’s not the normal way of life. There is no worse pain than losing a child and only those who have gone through it can fully understand. Keep the faith, God will get you through. It’s hard to believe that right now, but when you look back on these foggy, blurry days you will see that He was there all along. Your shock, questioning, anger, etc. are all part of the healing process, leading eventually to acceptance. But it’s painful to get there.


  8. Please know that the Forest Hills community, and well beyond, are holding you and your precious family tightly in our prayers. You are so brave!


  9. i didn’t know your son but as a mother my heart absolutely breaks with yours. I cried along with my teenage boys when we heard the news of your sons passing. My kids go to NorthPointe Christian and they prayed for your family in chapel. Our family continues to pray for you and your family daily. My heart continues to ache for you. We care and you are loved.


  10. I was on my way to work when I heard it on the radio. There was a pedestrian hit on Cascade Road and he was in critical condition. My heart sank and I prayed that this person that I didn’t know, would be alright.
    I was on my way home from work when I heard it on the radio. The pedestrian that was struck was a student on his way to school and he died. Immediately, my heart broke and I thought of you, the mother of this child. I cannot imagine the raw pain, the never ending pain that hits new nerves every minute of every hour from the reality of the loss of a child.
    I can only offer my words and my prayers, full of compassion and pure love from one mother to another. I promise to hug my children tighter and to tell them that I love them every time we part ways.
    I offer this prayer for you:
    Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that You place Your loving arms around Melissa and her family and friends at this time of need. Please help them to feel the support of their community and for them to allow others to be a blessing to them. Lord we know that Your love shines through us as we do Your work, please guide us to give the proper love and support to help carry them through and so that we may be more like You in this, their hour of need.
    We ask this in Jesus name alone, Amen


  11. Sweet momma, I pray daily for you! I pray that you can keep moving forward for your other children and for yourself, they need you as Lucas did. He is watching over you and wanting the best. I admire your strength and beauty. Don’t stop, I can’t imagine the pain you are going through or what I can say to make it better. I squeeze my baby tighter everyday and give her extra kisses.
    We are all here for you!
    Scream, yell, cry momma. And kiss those babies 💕 hugs and kisses from you MJ Momma’s


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