I want his spirit to live on…

Its 6 am.  I know  alot of people are awake usually at this time but not me.  I have three of my sweet babies and a kitty in my bed pushing me out, and of course my mind is racing. I can’t shut it down.

I want the world to know what a loss this was.  What an incredible person Lucas was.  His heart….oh his heart.  It was as pure as gold.  I always thought to myself when he was alive, I don’t deserve this boy. I don’t deserve this boy.  What will stand out to me the most is his compassion.  He understood and loved me like no one else could.  He knew I had depression and often had bad days.  The first thing he would say when he came home was, “how was your day momma?” “what did you do?”  and he would give me a big hug.  Whenever he sensed something was wrong, he would walk up to me with his arms open.  Precious, precious, boy.  I don’t understand why God needed him so early but he truly was an angel already on earth.  I never heard him say a bad word about anyone. Ever. He just wanted to love people, show them respect, kindness, make their day a little better.  He may not have always been understood by his friends because of his maturity.  He was quiet.  Didn’t always engage in typical high school drama.  It was always hard for him to fit in because he just wasn’t like his peers.  It was hard for him.  I fear he may have been a bit withdrawn, maybe even shy.  He often expressed to me how hard it was for him to talk to other people.  He really bonded to his two close friends, Christian and Jakob.  They were his circle, his comfort, his confidantes.  Though he may not have always had the ability to connect with everyone he wanted to, he loved everyone.  Anyone and everyone.

What a loss.  Why God………

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33 thoughts on “I want his spirit to live on…

  1. Sweet Melissa,
    I’m so glad that you have an outlet to write all of the things you are feeling. I could never understand your true feeling…none of us can unless we live it. You are such a wonderful mom! You have a beautiful family…inside and out…they learned that from you. Be proud of Lucas…he’s a model child to be proud of! He has shown many what a true Christian looks like.
    My prayers for you and your family continue daily.

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    • Beautiful, Melissa. He was so special and anyone who knew him, no matter how long, could see that. I remember you and the kids at my house when Beth was in town and thinking “wow, he is so good for her”. It was just obvious. We continue to mourn with you and pray that you will be filled with his memories.

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  2. Melissa… we are here, and we continue to pray all throughout the day and the next day and the next day. It is so hard to know why. From what I know, Lucas touched so many and he was beloved. He set the bar high for many to follow. You will experience many emotions in the days to come but God will never leave you… that is the promise HE makes. Keep writing… we may not understand but we are here to pray.

    Gail

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  3. I am crying with and for you this morning as I read this.
    I too have an amazing son who understand me and shows much love. One who is much like your Lucas in personality. You of course know this kid well.
    I am having trouble understanding why he was taken from you, as you are such a wonderful mother and kind person. He must be helping you write in this time of great pain. As hard it is to read I will continue. In this I will keep in mind to hug my son and tell him I love as much as I can hold him down his senior year. Never miss a moment.
    Hugs and prayers.

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  4. Hi Melissa,
    I spent the day at FHC on Friday after the accident. So many of Lucas’ classmates and teachers were devastated from Lucas’ death. I was there just to listen…I heard story after story of what an awesome,kind,gentle kid he was…he touched so many lives. I know it seems like life just keeps on moving…but I can tell you there are hundreds of people crying and praying for you and your family…I know your wounds are very deep please know that there are so many people rooting for you!

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  5. Melissa,
    I went to bed last night thinking of you and woke up this morning thinking about you. When I heard about this accident I thought to myself that I could not even fathom the pain your family must be feeling. My son goes to CMS and was shaken up when he got home from school on Friday. We spent the evening together trying to understand why something like this happens. I had no answer for him. This weekend I have taken time to sit and listen to my son and have held him a little longer in our before bed hug. It is so evident that Lucas was special and you should take pride in everything people are saying. There is not much I can say or do to make the pain go away but I hope you are feeling the prayers of this entire community and I am praying that you find peace.

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  6. I think of you as I wander the house and peer out the window to see if the light pattern in your home might somehow tell me how to pray for you and your family.

    Reading your thoughts and reaching out to touch your feelings reminds me of a quote by Hans Christian Andersen-

    A human life is a story told by God.

    He has a beautiful story with Lucas and I can promise you that He is not done with Lucas’ story because He has woven it so deeply with the stories of countless others.

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  7. Dear Melissa: I know we’ve never been very close friends, just enough to say hi and how are you, but I want you to know that you have my prayers. I remember what you went through with Lucas when he was younger, and his story has always stuck with me. I’d often ask Mara about Lucas, and if they were still friends (yes, they were) and how he was doing. I saw her happy birthday post to him on Facebook just recently. When she texted me from school to tell me what had happened, I thought, “no, no…not Lucas. It can’t be!”
    You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers constantly these past few days, and will continue to be, I am sure. I was awake at 6 am this morning, too; with you, your family, and Lucas on my heart. But especially you, his Mama. My heart aches for you; I am so very sorry.

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  8. sounds like he was such an amazing son Melissa…..his spirit will live on through you and those who knew his heart well! You have been in my prayers all weekend. Zoe has been praying for her sweet friend brenna too.

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  9. Dear God,

    Please be with this family in every and any way that they need you. Please hold them up. Let them know that this sweet boy will never, never be forgotten. He has already touched lives and changed people in both subtle and enormous ways. Both matter so much.

    God, please let this community surround them and help them in infinite ways. Let us never stop honoring and caring for them all. Please give them rest from their pain and help us know how to carry some of their burden, if possible. Amen.

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  10. Dear Melissa,
    I will never be able to express how much my heart is breaking for you. A mother should never have to lose her child. Please know that you are in so many people’s thoughts and prayers. Praying especially for peace.
    Susan

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  11. Oh, Melissa. I don’t know you and I never knew your precious Angel. But I want you to know that you are all I have thought about since Friday. I have shed so many tears for you and your precious boy. Lucas was so beautiful and it sounds like his exterior beauty paled in comparison to his interior beauty. His spirit was gold. I hope and pray that you feel his presence and his love and that you get a sign from God that he is ok. In a better place. Radiating joy. He has taught us all to grasp life and enjoy it. He has taught us that life is not a dress rehearsal. He has taught us to appreciate even the bad days with our babies. I am sending so much love and hope and faith your way, Melissa. I hope it helps you to get through this impossible time, somehow. God speed, precious Lucas. God heal, sweet Melissa and Family. All my love and prayers-Amy Nagel

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  12. Precious Melissa! I want to hold you in my arms right now and sob with you in your agony but I sob from afar…I hate this for you Melissa!!!!! Thank you for courageously writing and pouring out your thoughts and emotions, bringing them into the light where the enemy of your souls does not want them!! But, where God can now use his people to turn your writing into specific prayers on your behalf and fervently pray you through the loss of your precious son, Lucus.
    I loved your description of Lucus in your above post. Your have honored your son so well Melissa! I did not know Lucus but I sure wish I did!!! It sounds like I could have glimpsed Jesus by knowing him, by what you have posted and what countless people, privileged to have known Lucus, have said as well, over and over.
    Please know that your journey is inspiring us to love our children well, as you have loved Lucus.
    May some day you know that Jesus is holding you close even though He may seems so far away.
    In Christ’s love, who redeems absolutely everything. Beth

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  13. Dear Melissa, You don’t know me but as I sit here reading your blog the tears are pouring down. My heart aches for you. I have lived in the Forest Hills Community my whole life, my girls graduated from FH Central and I work for the school district. As a mother, educator and community member I’m so sorry for your loss. We all sat quietly in the teachers lounge at Orchard View after learning of this tragedy trying to make sense of it. Please know that we all are thinking and praying for you and your family. He will be in your heart forever.

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  14. Melissa, we met about 11 years ago at a church mom’s group. I’m also an FHC graduate and my nephew is a freshman at FHC. I can only imagine how much pain you must be in. I pray for you often, especially when I think that you might be doing similar things to what I’m doing but all while you’re grieving the loss of your son and how hard that must be for you. I pray that Jesus will carry you and give you strength to go on the best you can, even if that’s just getting out of bed. I am so touched by all the wonderful comments about Lucas. They are inspiration to me to be the best mom I can be and to never take my children for granted. While reading some of the comments about Lucas the scripture came to mind about entertaining angels when we don’t even know it. It sounds like many here have entertained an angel.

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  15. Melissa,
    Your sweet, beautiful boy will not be forgotten. He touched all of us in our family because of his sweet personality. My Lucas and Jacob didn’t have many classes with him past 1st & 2nd grade but he always had a presence in school, and he left an unforgettable impression on my kids because he was simply: KIND. My youngest son, Liam, attended a baseball camp with him and he remembers Lucas for the same kindness. We would see him at Lions Park for TVBL games and he would always engage us. I remember seeing him in the hallway at the high school this fall and he waved at me. So sweet. Our family is so, so saddened by his passing. Please know that he will not be forgotten. Our thoughts are with you and the rest of the family and our hearts are breaking with yours. Praying for peace for you…

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  16. Why God… Was always my question and response too.. Until one day, after a long period of time had passed after my son did…it happened! I can’t say it was a matter of acceptance, but a learning and trust experience. After all the unrest, reeling, and question marks…I had finally learned to let God put a period. Why? Wasn’t going to do any good anymore or bring him back. But a reason and trust in God did. Much time has gone by for me since my son has gone onto his Heavenly home…but I see reasons just about every day that make things a bit sweeter and more clear. You’ll know what I mean…in time, precious Melissa.

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    • Melissa, I don’t know you or your Lucas but I do know your pain. It is really a physical pain like none other. I lost my only child, my son, Todd. It’s been 22 1/2 years since his death. He died just 29 days after his 26th. birthday. As much as you hurt today, Kathleen is right. In time. It takes time and it varies with each individual. That black hole where your heart used to be will heal. It leaves a scar but it will heal. In time. In a period of time that no one can tell you when this will happen. Do not worry that Lucas will be forgotten. He won’t. You won’t allow it. He will live on because of the love the two of you shared. It is God’s promise that you will be reunited in Heaven. Trust in the Lord. Lean heavily on Him. He won’t mind. Remember the poem, “Footprints In the Sand”. The one set of footprints in the sand is when he carried me through my darkest hours. He is there to give you comfort and solace. You and your family are in my prayers as you move through this most difficult time. I am so very sorry this happened to your son, to your family. Sometimes I think God needs some of the best and the brightest so they can shine their sunbeams back to the world.

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  17. Oh Melissa, you have absolutely no idea the level of impact Lucas had on this community. He was like the small ripple that you only see at a shoreline, but the ripple extends on for miles and miles.
    He had such an impact on my daughter. We moved here last year and I am just starting to get to know my daughter, Grace’s, friends. One name has been there since almost day one – Lucas. I am quite sure a week did not go by without “Lucas” being talked about. She talked about his sweetness, his kindness, his height (oh how she loved to razz him about that “…..and you’re STILL growing!” They rode the same bus and had to share a seat every now and then. One time the only seat left was one of the small ones in the back of the bus. He came back, looked at Grace and said “I’m sorry I am so big, but we need to share the seat” Grace curled herself up into a little ball, smiled at Lucas and said “go ahead, take all the space you want.” I am sure volumes upon volumes could be written by all of the people whose life he impacted. Please know that Lucas will NEVER be forgotten. Someone with such an impact, never is. Holding you up in continued prayer. XOXO

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  18. Oh Melissa, my heart aches for the loss of your precious son. Although we’ve never met, know that we continue to pray for you and your family.

    Your son touched so many lives and that special quality will never be forgotten. Lucas was an inspiration to my son, Max. The boys had first hour together and to say that Lucas was special to Max is an understatement. Lucas was always kind, thoughtful and caring and, through Lucas, Max was inspired to be a better person. As Max always says, it is better to have four quarters than 100 pennies when it comes to friends.

    His spirit lives on and always will. A light that bright continues to shine.

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  19. I never met Lucas but do know two of his FHC classmates, Morgan and Emma. I am lifting you UP in prayer daily, Melissa. Praying for strength, for calm, for healing, for peace in your weeks ahead as time passes. The below quote is one of my favorites that was shared when I lost my father…Your Lucas is an angel.
    In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing. ~Robert Ingersoll

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  20. While I did not know your son, my daughter, and niece knew who he was and we have all witnessed how this tragedy has affected the entire Forest Hills Community.
    I have read so many stories about Lucas through social media from teachers, friends and even those of us who did not know him, but as parents, just want to reach out to you and offer our prayers and support.
    It is certain that his “Memory” will be Eternal! It sounds as though he touched the lives of ALL those around him, and did it naturally…which was a Blessing to all who knew him! What a wonderful testament to you…his mother!
    In a world of drama, hatred and challenges for young people, your son managed to spread love and acceptance, if only by a smile or simple greeting…oh yes, Lucas will be remembered!
    May God’s blessings be with you and your family and may HOPE , FAITH and LOVE fill your hearts! My deepest sympathy for your loss…May he rest in peace.

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  21. Mellissa,

    I’ve been reading your blog after hearing about your son and my heart is so broken for you😢 I too have a 15 year old son and the relationship you have described is just as I would describe me and my son. It hurts to even imagine the feelings you must feel! I want to say everything will be ok in time but when I even begin to imagine your loss, I can’t bring myself to say it. I don’t know how a mother moves in from a tragedy like this. I don’t know how a mother doesn’t become bitter. I don’t have the answers I wish I could give you. What I do know is that the Lord is faithful and that for everything there is a reason although in times like this we can’t imagine what reason would be good enough to allow this to happen. I pray that with time your heart is not as heavy and you find some sort of peace. I pray that the Lord holds you in his arms like a father does his daughter and comforts you. I pray that your son may always live on in your heart until you see him again. I am so so so sorry for your loss!!!

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  22. lucas was the greatest kid in our school. He has always been my ideal sense first grade I’ve always looked up to him and I want to try to cary his legend with me and try to be like him. God bless ur family

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  23. Melissa,
    It’s almost 3:30 am. I have been asleep, awake , asleep and now awake again. I no longer am an active facebook’er, I actually deleted my account and then added it again for some people that let me know that was the only way they were able to keep up with our family. But I did find out about Lucas right away.

    Oh, my sweet friend….I am so sorry. You have had my heart from the second I heard.

    In my most recent awake hours, I was laying in bed with a light heart thinking of Lucas’ spirit. And having just receiving your blog link tonight, I hadn’t read it until just now. Just now as in after I was laying here thinking of your sweet sons spirit. I remember you and I drinking our coffee outside over at your kentwood house. We were watching the girls play, they had to be just 2 or around there. Watching Lucas play with them, push them on the swings, helping them and truly getting joy out of watching them play. NOT something that would come naturally to the average boy his age, THAT is what I was thinking of now at 3:30 am. THAT was his spirit. His spirit has touch so many, his spirit WILL live on.

    I pray that God wraps a blanket of peace over your family. I pray that you all feel his presence.

    Love you friend!
    Sarah Tjepkema

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