more nightmares

I need to write this too because it helps me to get it out.  I hesitate because I don’t want anyone who is not mature to read this.  However I know we live in a broken and sinful world and things like this happen.  I don’t understand why and no one ever really will.  I have a burning image in my head of my little boy after the accident.  He is not little but he will always be my baby.  He was thrown sixty feet into the snow and when I saw him I saw his crumpled bleeding body in the snow.  I understand now how soldiers are never the same after war.  The image will not leave me.  It plays over, and over, and over, and over and over.  Its too much for a mother to bear.  I know they say God will not give us too much to bear and maybe in heaven I will understand why I had to see that.  God knows but I don’t understand.  It just keeps replaying.  It hurts just as much as the thought that I will never see him again.  That he had to die this way.

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28 thoughts on “more nightmares

  1. Melissa,

    We met you and your family at Thornapple on the baseball diamond. I will always have Lucas on the pitching mound in my heart. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  2. I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re going through but I love you. God loves you. Your family loves you. It WILL be okay in time, don’t force yourself to heal, you will when you’re ready! I’ll pray for peace and comfort!

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  3. Focus focus focus on the life he lived the joy he was the smile he always had, these r the things that made up your son, the image in your head is not, do not give in to the hopeless thoughts, cling to the hope that you WILL SEE HIM AGAIN! My heart breaks for you. Praying for you and your family.

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  4. Melissa,
    I don’t know you or Lucas but you have been in my thoughts. On my way to work Friday morning I drove past the accident. I had no idea what had happened but prayed it wasn’t anything terrible. After I heard what had happened my heart sank. Once I got home, I saw Lucas’ precious face on the news. He seemed to be happy, full of life, kind. I hugged my two sons and cried for you and your family. My boys who are 8 and 11 and attend FHN schools. Thank you for sharing!

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  5. Melissa…I don’t know you. We’ve never met. But, we have several mutual friends through MOPS at TECC. I couldn’t stop thinking about you yesterday, and I won’t stop praying for you. My heart is so heavy for you. For your family. For Lucas. As a former blogger, I hope you find the comfort, the release, and the truth that you are seeking through writing. I want you to know that there have been other grieving mothers before you who chose the same path. In my opinion, one of the most talented of those is Anna Donaldson from the blog An Inch Of Gray. I wrote about what an inspiration her son, Jack, has been for me in my life. I hope you get lost in reading about her loss, her strength, and her journey.

    You can do it by clicking here: http://theocpdiva.com/her-inch-of-gray/

    Or, by reading her newly released book: http://www.amazon.com/Rare-Bird-Memoir-Loss-Love/dp/1601425198

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  6. Dear Melissa, I know you don’t know me, but I have friends that do that have shared your blog with me. I live in Manchester Hills and have a son, Nicolas Krieger, that goes to FHC and knew your son. Nicolas is a senior — quite compassionately affected by Lucas’ passing. I also had a young son that passed away, and I know all too well the heart wrenching pain you are going through. I want you to know that you and your family, your precious younger children, are in my prayers for comfort, peace, and as hard as it is…understanding. Please feel free to reach out to me when you feel the need to talk or cry with someone who truly knows your thoughts, questions, and pain. I will share with you the things that helped me get through first my seconds, then minutes, hours, days, months and years, and Oh the many tears…without my beloved son. My father also said, “He’s too beautiful and good for this world”, like you said about your precious Angel, Lucas. I will be watching and reading your heart and feelings you so bravely share with us. I think this is very healing…and touches so many mothers out there that perhaps are experiencing this same painful experience. Lucas has already positively touched so many lives. Love and heartfelt prayers, Kathleen Swanson Buzzitta. ❤️

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  7. Melissa,
    I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you are going through. Your strength is in the words you write. I too, keep hoping and praying it’s just a bad dream. Lucas was a sweet and eager boy in my social studies class back in fourth grade. I will never know why this happened. Please hug Brooklyn extra tight as I know you are, and tell her Mrs. Redmond is thinking of her. The Ada staff is here for you all.
    Hugs.

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  8. I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I did not know him personally but I have heard some really beautiful things about him. Your blog’s make my heart ache and I just want you to know that I am thinking and praying for you. I have requested my church to pray for your family. I know you have alot of people thinking and praying for you and I just wanted to send a personal note with my condolences.

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  9. Melissa you and I are strangers but united in the fact that we are both mamas who love their babies to the moon and back. I am so, so sorry for this tragedy you are suffering. I cant stop thinking about you. Please know I am praying for your comfort, for angels to surround you and carry you when you cant take another step. I pray you are wrapped in God’s love and warmth and His promises. I pray that the wonderful treasured memories of your son will slowly ease the images you are wrestling with in your mind right now. Every mom who hears your story wants peace for you. Know that you and your family are loved.

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  10. I am so filled qith compassion for your loss. My son died after a battle with cancer, I was prepared for his death….I cannot begin to imagine your anguish.
    I want to invite you to Gilda’s club on Wednesday evenings where parents who have had to say goodbye to their children in countless different ways gather and support one another. There is also a page on Facebook that is for parents who have said goodbye entirely too soon to a child that may be of help to you.
    Praying for you and your family as you face this journey that you never imagined.

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  11. Dear Melissa,
    Words cannot even come close to explain or express how much pain and love I am sending out to you and your family. I know I am a stranger to you and I know words will only be an empty set of letters in patterns on the screen to you right now. I know it is hard to listen to people, I know advice is difficult to swallow right now and especially from a heart that is far away, however, I feel the Holy Spirit inside of me and I feel it telling me to comfort you with the message instead of the words themselves.
    Loss is hard and crippling – you already know that and are experiencing it. The loss of your lovely boy, it’s a tragic story to be told. Your heart is bleeding for him and your soul is begging for him to come back. Everything you feel right now, the loss, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow – yet – at the same time this nothingness, God has felt it too.
    You should know that Lucas isn’t gone. He will never be gone. He has touched the lives of thousands, whether it be on the internet through your blogs, or through your other children who follow the examples Lucas set out for them, or most of all, through Lucas himself. Everyday you keep Lucas alive by loving him, taking care of his siblings, standing with your shoulders square as life throws disaster at you. Everyday, Lucas smiles and quietly whispers to you that he’s never gone and he never will be gone.
    God hears your pain, feels your anguish, holds your hand as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Jesus stands by your son and smiles at him while the Holy Spirit comforts you in the silence of your racking sobs. Even while you feel hollow, your cup is being filled. The emptiness now, is making room for something more that you can keep and later give away. Your pain right now will be turned into strength. Your life right now will be flowing with joy and happiness and peace. Do not be so dismayed or grieved. For just as Paul wrote,
    “But [The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (10) That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
    – 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

    Just as you are experiencing your own weakness right now, know that the Lord’s grace is sufficient and that his blanket of comfort surrounds you during the lonely hours of the night. Know that what happened was only the prologue to something bigger. God is not an unjust God. He is a just, merciful, compassionate, loving, eternal heavenly Father who loves us all dearly and gives us a meaning to be alive on Earth.
    His promises will never be broken.
    “For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death, has been swallowed up in victory.’
    “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, i your sting?”
    Lucas is more alive where he is now than he ever was here on Earth. You have a message to the world, you can preach to mothers after your time of mourning and encourage them to stand up and be proud of their sons or daughters who have also passed away. You have a strength that many parents in society are not able to understand. You have power to move people, change people, help people stand back up. Lucas will help people through you and by your actions, you will keep Lucas near to your heart, helping him achieve his goals in life as someone who impacts society in a positive manner.

    Your family and friends are in my prayers. I pray day and night for you. My soul sings hymns to God the Father for you and Heavenly Father will surely provide for you and get you through these times as he has promised.
    Please contact me or somebody in Faith who can keep encouraging you and lifting you up with Christ. This testament is one with power to build up, however, first you must be built up so you can rebuild others. Please reach out to me or a community.
    Peace and love be with you and your family. Please reach out to God the Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the people around you.
    Keep steadfast in faith and keep praying in all that you do.

    “Come to be, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
    – Matthew 11: 28-30

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  12. I have no words to express how you even feel. I don’t know you nor did I know Lucas. What I do know is that I read that news yesterday and wept, wept for knowing your pain is so raw. I just looked at his eyes and all I can see is my own teenager….I’m sorry that this is your reality but know that you and your family have a community surrounding you. Keep writing, keep strong for your other children and most improbably my sister in Christ, keep the faith. Your beautiful baby boy, even though he was 15, will always be etched in my mind. I will continue to raise you all up in prayers…..lots of love.

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  13. Dear Melissa. I am at a loss of what to say to you, but felt I had to try to show my heartfelt condolences for the deepest pain anyone could ever feel. You are right. You shouldn’t have to go through this, see what you saw, feel how you feel, etc. Your handsome son sounds like he was a ray of sunshine and he will continue to be that for you. Allow yourself to see Lucas when the sun shines and know he is there to warm your heart, dry your tears and bring brightness back into your life. We don’t always understand God’s plan, which I feel is the hardest thing to accept. But, He has a plan and we need to be strong and faithful and honor it. We will find out one day when we meet Him at our final “home.” It is so wonderful and brave of you to share your thoughts and begin to heal your shattered heart. So many others hearts are hurting too. I don’t know you or your family, but am an FHC grad, my children graduated from FHC and I continue to live here. I know you won’t be alone in the coming days, weeks, months and beyond. This community will hold you and your family up and help you get strong again. My sincerest prayers are sent your way. Please keep writing. It helps us know how to pray specifically. It will cleanse your soul. Hold your family close and thank God for them as they grieve also. Watch for the sunshine Melissa. It will be your son shining, for you and his family, letting you know he is okay. May you find peace, comfort, strength and feel His love. Sherri

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  14. Dear Melissa,
    My thoughts and prayers have been with you since I got the phone call on Friday morning. Like this entire community and others that knew and loved Lucas, I am heartbroken. Words cannot express how sorry I am. I will continue to pray and will be in touch soon.
    With Love,
    Penny Beatty

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  15. Dear Melissa,
    I wish I had more to offer or something profoundly comforting to say. I just want you to know, even @ 3 a.m., you are being heard and are not alone. I do not know you, Lucas or your family but live just around the corner off Spaulding and am the mother of teenaged boys. Although we may be strangers, I am sending you Love from a neighbor and a fellow mom in hopes you feel the arms of your community wrapped tightly around you.

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  16. I hear the pain in your words and I wish I could take this away from you. Thinking of you and your family and lifting you up in constant prayers.

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  17. As haunting as the images that you will, no doubt, forever replay in your mind…..please know that God was with your beautiful son through every moment that happened. He never left him…..and He never left you. I pray that you will feel your son’s presence and his spirit. I pray that you will find signs of him in everyday things. (This happens!!!) I pray that his memory will live on through stories you and your family will share…through tears and laughs. Our family, although we have never met, will pray for your family for years to come as we understand that you will need this. God hears all of our prayers. May you feel God’s presence like never before, during this most horrific of times.

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  18. Melissa…you keep writing & I will keep reading. My heart aches for you more than you know. Keep trusting God although I’m not sure i could. I will pray for peace for you to go on & take care of your family. I’m sure your other kids just don’t get it either, praying for all of you. God bless you…….Cyndi

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  19. Melissa-
    Your strength of being able to blog is an inspiration to me. I know so well the lost, empty feeling. Not knowing how to even put my feet on the floor, feeling like I am in a fog. Wondering when he is going to come through the front door as I too lost my son tragically at the young age of 18 less than 5 years ago. My heart cries for you after hearing what happened and with reading your blog. I can relate so many of those emotions. It is so hard to know of another mom, another brother and sister and dad and family going through this pain. My heartfelt prayer go to all of you today and in the coming days, months and years. Although you may not feel it all the time right now (understandble)-God will not leave you.

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  20. Dear Melissa,
    Nothing can ever compare to losing one’s own child; and so far be it for me to reply, but I feel compelled to do so and hope this helps. Please note, while this is not one of my sons, I can’t imagine, I was the one who found my Mom who very unexpectedly passed away a few months ago in her home and the image was not good at all, horrible; and I am a nurse and I have seen just about everything. I could not understand why the Lord would allow me to be the one to find my dear Mom in such circumstances that were shocking. The image played over and over and over and I would awaken from the few minutes that I could sleep to this nightmarish image and the image confronted me around the corner during the day. After a little time passed by, through this daily journey for me, I never expected to learn why I was meant to find my Mom in such the condition I found her in. However, I did. Reasons were revealed to me without seeking for the reasons. I have just prayed and I will continue to do so, like a friend did for me, that God will give you a knew image of your son burnt and sealed on your mind, a beautiful image of your son that replaces this current image, like what God did for me with my Mom.
    Thinking of you, Amy Hoffman

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  21. I watched my dad take his very last cancer ridden breaths. I have that image seared in my brain. I have been a paramedic for over 15 years, I have seen the carnage and raw emotion of such loss and I can’t imagine your struggles. Know that after some time, you will really have to think about that vivid memory to recall it. It’s as if your brain knows it’s traumatic. I used to have nightmares about it every night, slowly and surely with time, you will push it back and allow the good things to flood in. I still struggle with the thought that moving on means that I am forgetting him. That’s not true. I can tell you, as weird as it sounds, I still post to my dads Facebook page and tag him in posts that I create. A silly part of me hopes that God is tech savvy with some great wifi. I post to his wall all the time. It’s almost as if I am writing him an email or sending a text. My kids do it too. I think it’s helpful. I also created a blog. http://Www.bru-ha-ha.blogspot.com. We wanted to capture a journey, and that we did. I reread it all the time! My heart goes out to you! Be brave, be easy on yourself right now. Lots of love and hugs!

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  22. Melissa,
    I too have had nightmares since I heard about your son. I did not have the pleasure of knowing Lucas, but I think about you and your family daily now. My heart aches for you. Please know that this community is here for you and we are all grieving this loss with you.

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