heaven

Someone just said in one of the quotes on here, “it must have been hard to live as a high school student when your true home is in heaven.”

Thank you for that. Thank you thank you thank you.  Even though reading that hurts like NOTHING ELSE it is so true.  I don’t understand God.  I’m trying so hard not to be angry.  I know you are a loving God.  I know you are grieving with us.  I know that it is this sinful world that causes hurt and pain and death.  I’ve learned it since I was a little girl but when faced with your beautiful son being taken from you, that you loved more than you thought humanly possible, it seems so shallow.  I had him for fifteen years but it was not enough.  He could have done so much more.  As selfish as it sound I NEEDED HIM.  He was my rock.  I had always heard teenagers were trouble and difficult and made you want to pull out your hair.  My Lucas was my rock.  As I said before he cared about my feelings ahead of his own always.  Sure we fought about silly things.  He always wanted me to take him to the gym.  He was obsessed with working out.  His body was his temple.  God’s temple.  He wanted it to be the best it could be.  I didn’t wanted to take him all the time, I was too tired. Too busy.  We fought a bit about him texting his friends when he should be studying.  But that was his outlet.  The gym was his outlet.  He needed that.  I was being selfish.  Yet if I said to him, cmon Lucas why don’t you get back to homework.  Go play piano for a little while.  I’ll take you to the gym tomorrow.  He would do it.  He was my angel and I need him.

I need his hugs.  His warmth. His gentle voice saying, “its okay momma”

Why God. Why.

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32 thoughts on “heaven

  1. I’m “sorry” to say it won’t be the last painful thing you’ll read/hear that will hit you just as that statement did. I know those types of things are so hard to read, but isn’t there such truth in them?! I understand that you want him back, we lost our son in May of last year, and I still crave him constantly. It will never leave us, they will always be a part of our heart, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish I could take some of the pain away from you, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this devastating loss!! And please know that the prayers from those of us who done this before are heavy upon your whole family. And from a fellow depression sufferer prior to the loss of my son as well that I’ll be praying over that as well. It will become hard to differenciate, but with loving people by you side (and God carrying you), you will survive. Much love to you all. And please know you may respond or connect with me at any time. I won’t have words to make it better, but I do understand what you are feeling and will cry tears and listen. Hugs!!

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  2. Melissa
    I have read everything you have written and I have never read anything this honest or hearbreaking in all my life. This story has touched so many people, I have never really seen anything like it. It probably wont make you feel better now but it is clear that the Lord is going to use you in a big way. I have no doubt that some day you will be guiding someone through their nightmare. You and Lucas are going to make all the difference to another mother who is grieving someday. Keep going. One minute at a time. Lucas is right here with you.
    Kara

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  3. Let yourself experience some of the anger and every stage of grief, it’s part of the human healing process. Otherwise you will just be postponing it and it will fester. God understands. I look back at times I’ve been mad at God even and see that He was the one holding me the entire time in spite of it. When I didn’t “feel” Him there He WAS there. Lucas is with God now and I believe his spirit is still present for you. Look to God and you will see Lucas. Keep hearing his voice saying “it’s ok Mama” because he is no doubt saying it and hoping you hear. I know there aren’t words to help you feel better right now. You are in survival mode, keep fighting. Others need you like you need Lucas, we all impact others more than we know. The strength I see in your writing tells me that you have strength that helps others, even at your weakest and most broken moment. I’ll keep praying for God to continue to give you the strength you need. Reflect on what people are writing to you now in the months to come, those words may offer comfort later if they don’t now. This will be a long road, but you will make it through. Keep writing.
    I pray that you find peaceful moments today.

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  4. Dear Melissa,
    Only true relationships happen when we get real with one another. I bet you and Lucus were real with one another and that is why your relationship was so precious, so dear. He probably knew the real you, the good, the bad and the ugly. And from reading your posts, I can tell that you knew your son. Well I remember a time when a friend of mine, who was a new Christian, shared with me how angry she got at God, screaming and yelling at Him over a situation in her life, she didn’t hold back at all. I was quite taken back because I thought it was completely disrespectful. I had never heard anyone be so raw, so real with God before in my life. I certainly wasn’t. I was trying to be the “good daughter” all of the time. I asked her about it, she laughed and very confidently said, “Beth, He knows everything I am thinking and feeling anyway, I’m just letting out what He already knows is in my heart. He loves me and nothing is going to change that.” It was a revelation to me that I had a surface relationship with God because I didn’t dare to get real with Him. I want to encourage you today that if you are angry at Him, get angry! If you want to fall apart, fall apart! Not only can He handle it, but you will experience Him there, the real Jesus!

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  5. I’m so sorry about Lucas and for everything you’re going through. Lucas was on my son’s baseball team a few years ago. I remember Lucas running back to the dugout even after he would strike out (which was hardly ever) . I remember thinking that kid has the best attitude I’ve ever seen in baseball. Most kids are mad and discouraged but not him. I can tell you your son is doing awesome in heaven. I flat lined after a bad car accident 18 years ago and got a glimpse of heaven. It was the feeling you get that feels good from a massage or when someone tickles your back. It was amazing and I didn’t want to be back here on Earth when I came back and you’re not really dead, you’re very alive just floating around. I will pray for you and your family. Find comfort in knowing you will be with your son before you know it and your pain will be gone. May God be with you until then…

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  6. I encourage you to be real with God our Father as well. He wants to embrace you, the good, the bad and the ugly, he loves you through it all. I have freaked out on God, screamed, cried…afterwards I have never felt more comforted by Him. HE is where our help comes from.

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  7. I am one of the many who have never met you and did not know Lucas, although through your beautiful and raw words, I feel like I did. I work in the area and have very dear friends who know your family and I am committed to praying for all of you whenever God brings you to mind, which is often in the past few days. I have not lost a child and I do not know the severity or depth of the pain, but I am a Mom and the tears form just thinking of you. I am so very sorry. I wanted you to know there will be people (too numerous to count) who will probably never meet you in person, but who are praying for every member of your family now and all the days ahead.

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  8. Dear Mrs. Vansprange you don’t know me but yet I’m was touched by your sons smile every day I had him in my science class last year he never once had a sad face on always happy and smiling we are all here for you in this difficult time I’m even shocked still and well depressed but I know your son will forever live on in all the fhc freshmen’s memories as the nicest kid there ever was to walk the earth

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  9. As the father of five grown children and 15 grandchildren, I can’t begin to fathom your heartbreak and grief. It brings tears to my eyes as I write. I pray for you and your family daily that God brings you comfort and in time, some measure of peace. God bless.

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  10. All I can say is I am SO SORRY!! I am so sorry for your loss, and I can’t even begin to imagine your grief and sorrow. You are living every parent’s worst nightmare, and, yet, you are sharing with all of us what God would want us all to remember…He is walking right beside you, enveloping you in His embrace, and now, Lucas is walking right beside Him. I will continue to pray for you…for you and your sweet family left behind. I will pray for God to lift you up when you crumple to the floor, for Him to hug you when you feel alone, and for Him to replace the horrific image of Lucas’ last moments with one of your boy’s angelic face giving his Momma a big smile and an “I love you” every moment. I will pray for you every day.

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  11. I heard you say earlier tonight on the news that your son was your guardian angel. I want you to know that he is STILL your guardian angel. He is with you everyday.

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  12. There has not been a moment since Friday morning that hasn’t contained a thought or prayer for you and your family. Lifting you up, moment by moment.

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  13. Dear Melissa,

    Over the years we have met only a couple of times. I was Rich’s roommate for many years both before and after college. I had the pleasure of meeting your son on a couple occasions over the years also. My heart sank when I heard the news of Lucas. Your entire family has been in my deepest thoughts and prayers. Some where back, I read a quote that always stuck with me about the pain of a parent loosing a child, it goes something like this:

    “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is.”

    I am not a parent (proud uncle), so I can not even begin to imagine this pain. It is hard to know God’s plan when a precious life is taken far too early. As you have openly wondered, it is certainly ok to continue ask “why”?

    Rest assured God’s plan will be revealed to you and your family in time. In reading some of the testimonials, it is very apparent that Lucas was a living, breathing, vibrant guardian and protector of you and your children. I dare to say especially to his four younger siblings.

    My feeling is that in moments like this, God sometimes needs call on his strongest angels at a young age. Inevitably, life will continue to throw defining and sometimes even dangerous moments at you and your children. During these times you may experience thoughts that Lucas undoubtedly had a protective hand in the outcome. These are the times in your future that you will eventually come to a quiet smile knowing Lucas has never left you.

    My deepest condolences to your entire family. My prayers are for continued strength for you guys. God Bless.

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  14. My heart goes out to you. I know what pain is, for other reasons, but I do know it. God is with us all the time. So often we are not aware of it, but He is there. This life is so temporary compared to eternity with Him. Your son has graduated from this school called life. He dwells with pure love now. I know that God the Father seeks to comfort us with a peace that passes understanding. I have seen glimpses of this in my darkest hours. You are cradled in His hands and no one knows this grief you feel better than Him. Jesus wept. He knows your sorrow. He is with us all the time.

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  15. Im so sorry for your lost! I lost a brother 8 years ago and he was 16. I didn’t understand why God didn’t save him. I thought he could of, he could of made him breath again, it was all in his hands. I talked to God more than I ever have….But I was also the angriest I had ever been with him….I know now that God didn’t kill him but his actions and the thing that happened killed him. God hurts for everyone who lost him and knows what we are all feeling. He is watching over all of you and knows the pain of what your feeling. Also one thing that I wish that I had and my other siblings is, counselling. You all need to be able to talk about it all with someone! Dont let anyone in your family hold it in and not open up. It ended up doing damage in our family over the years….. I hope and pray that your family gets through this all the help you need with the support of others. Your son sounds amazing and I’m sure he is having fun in heaven! Maybe he has met my brother Matthew! With love ~ Heidi Watson

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  16. Melissa,

    I do not know you or your son, but I want you to know that I’m praying for you. I can’t imagine the pain your heart must be feeling or the deep loss you feel. Know that our Lord and Savior is holding you, and as several others have already said; allow yourself to grieve and feel all that comes with that, including being angry.

    I hope these words from a Mercy Me song bring you some comfort, even if only for a moment.

    “Homesick”

    *You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
    And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
    But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
    Is how long must I wait to be with you

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
    The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
    But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
    Cause I’m still here so far away from home

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    In Christ, there are no goodbye
    And in Christ, there is no end
    So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
    To see you again
    To see you again

    And I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

    I’ve never been more homesick than now*

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  17. Melissa. I am so sorry to hear about this. Pray that God will give you healing and surround you in His light and for the power for The Spirit to give you comfort. He wont let you down. God Bless your son for all he did.

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  18. I’m so blessed to read this post. I see the title ‘heaven’ and it brings mixed emotions for me. But I know that heaven is truly my final destination. Reading about your sweet boy makes me think about my own kids, as I have a freshman too. We must have faith the Our God was satisfied with sweet Lucas’ time on earth and your boy has now been called home. Thank you sweet Lucas for the life you lived and for affecting me, a stranger, walking with you and helping me realize the important things in life. Rest is peace sweet child of God.

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  19. Dear Melissa,
    Our family is so sorry for your loss, tremendously sorry. We can’t imagine, ever. On a cold, snowy day I was hit by a car when I was 5 years old, an unexpected accident on what seemed like any other day, and I can still remember hearing the screams of pain of my Mom’s grief over me being hit. My outcome from the accident is much different. I wish this were the same for you. Your son is a bright light, my son thinks the world of Lucas; Sam admired him letting us know of his kind, gentle nature, he went to school with Lucas. Bright lights are lit by Great Moms and you are a Great Mom! Just know that we care very much so and should you need anything, anything, we would be happy to help.
    Thinking of You and Your Family,
    Amy Hoffman and Dave, Sam, and Nicholas in Ada, Michigan

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  20. Melissa, dear Melissa, I applaud your honesty and want to hold your heart and give you a squeeze just as you need it right now. We will never forget Lucas and will care for you and Rich, and all of your kids as we do what we can to support and uphold you, pray for you, love you…when it’s good, and when it’s not good. We are there for you, a community of love and friendships ready to hang on when you feel you can’t and ready to embrace you when you need. Your family is held close tonite, so many ways.

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  21. I don’t know you or your family but as a mother I have been so deeply crushed by the news of your son. I read your words and my heart sinks. It brings me back to the day we lost our triplets after fighting for months to keep them. Your words are raw but real. Picking out a casket for our babies was the worst day of our lives. No parent should EVER have to bury their child. I keep you in my thoughts daily and if I could hug you and cry with you I would. I remember feeling like my world stopped and everyone else’s went on. Hold on to your other babies they will help you through your grief. Prayers from one Mom to another.

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  22. We have never met. But, all of a sudden we have something in common. Something I wish we didn’t.
    We lost our beautiful, smart, sweet only daughter to cancer. It will be 9 years on March 18th. I wish I could say it will get easier. But, the hole in my heart never heals. Special holidays will never be the same. Her whole birthday month is tough. Music is still hard to listen to. Attending church never seems to get easier.
    Jen and I talked on the phone at least twice a day. I would give anything to hear her voice. She was studying to be a doctor. It doesn’t seem fair.
    But, I have had to understand that she would not want me to be sad and heartbroken all of the time. I am just glad she doesn’t have to grieve the loss of me. But, I wish so many times it could have been me.
    To survive, we moved from the house we lived in for 30 years. And from the town. And, we don’t try to do things the same anymore. Christmas is very very hard. I will not lie. The Christmad decor is not as bright anymore.
    My arms are wrapped around you and I pray you will not give in to alcohol, drugs, or forever broken. You can make it. ….. Take one hour at a time. Then one day at a time …from then on rely on God to give you strength. He will.

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  23. I understand this hard time you are going threw. I am praying for you and your family daily. I can’t even explain what the loss of a child is. We as parents don’t know that feeling unless we experience it.. You are very loved and I would love that you stay strong for your family. God bless you and your family. Just remember your son sounded like he was wonderful, and he is watching down on you and your family. He wants you to be strong. Dear lord please help this family get through this rough time and let them heal Amen…

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  24. Dear Melissa,
    We’ve never met, but I’ve wept for you and your family, thought of you constantly and prayed often that God will comfort you during this unbearable time. I have two young sons. Your raw emotions remind us all just how precious our time is here on earth. God Bless you for sharing your vulnerability and grieving process with all of us. You inspire us to be better parents, friends and community members. I heard this song at church on Sunday and I thought of you. God is holding onto you. We all are.
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_LLGiE0f0

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  25. Dear Melissa ,
    The bond you and Lucas had can not be broken. The loss of your son is felt by so many and He will always be in everyone heart. You will meet again. We are very sorry for your loss. Stay strong for your other beautiful babies.. They need you! I ll never forget how nice you were to me when we meet at Ada Christian . The true is He had his mom kindness for sure. Praying for you family.

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  26. Praying continuously for you, Melissa, that God will wrap His loving arms around you and make His presence known to you. And I will continue to lift you up in prayer in the weeks, months, and years ahead. With love, a fellow Thornapple MOPS mom

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  27. Your words are painfully raw, I sit with eyes filled with tears and a lump in my throat. I wish your boy would come back to you…I’m so sorry
    For your loss….praying for comfort, peace and that you cling to memories

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