waves

I just met with a group of amazing women.  They wanted to pray with me, support me, just be with me.  It was so healing.  Some of their children knew my son and were able to share stories. We were able to laugh and talk and cry.  It was one of the most loved times I have ever experienced.  God sent those women to me tonight.  I see him in so many little things.  So many big things.  Everywhere.  I see his hand.

I probably should have just gone to bed when I got home from the meeting.  However somehow always feel like I need to write. Something just compels me.

The visitation was hard.  Just close friends and family.  Its not the people thats hard to deal with.  I feel their love and support.  Their pain is palpable to me and I know they miss Lucas terribly too.  Its just a different pain that they have.  Its like on a whole other plane.  Every time I hug someone a little voice cries out “but you didn’t just lose your son.  You don’t know.  You can’t. Even. Begin. To. Fathom.” I don’t think the English language really has enough words for pain and loss.  You feel pain when you stub your toe.  You feel pain when you lose your dog.

When I saw my precious boy in a casket that is when I hit rock bottom. To see the child you gave birth to, you changed his diapers, you brought him to kindergarten, you loved on and cared for every. Single. Day…and its not him any more.  That body that you cared for is not him anymore.  There will be no more big warm hugs and affectionate head rubs.  That caretaking, that physical presence is never coming back.

The pain of losing a child is so deep and dark and gaping.  You can’t breathe.  You can’t stand.  Your entire body and mind is filled with a pain that goes beyond the word pain.  Suffering. Agony. Torment.  When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane his torment was so deep he sweat blood.  Jesus our Lord begged for God not to put him through the agony of death. He was God, and he still said “if it is your will father take this cup from me.”  It gives me comfort that our Lord loved us enough not just to die for us but to go through that pain.  That agonizing, tormenting, visceral pain.

So I will wait. I will wait for Jesus to come again to I can be with Lucas.

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

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59 thoughts on “waves

  1. i lost my youngest son John Paul to sids 16 years ago. I would like to say it gets easier but it doesn’t. My family still has john days. U r right that if u haven’t lost a child u do not understand. The next few days will be a challenge, especially because people will say ignorant things to u. Hopefully people will talk about Lucas to u and call him by name. People fear that by talking about Lucas it will bring it to your attention as if u r not thinking about Lucas every minute of every day. My son John has 4 siblings and they each wrote something about him which I have and cherish. Our son was with us 58 days and my whole family misses him and was changed forever. May you and your family grieve. I would like to say it gets easier, I think it gets more distant take care of yourself and your spouse and your family. You will all be at different places in your grief and that makes it hard too. Take best care. Marcia curtis

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  2. Lifting you and your family up in prayer today and in the days ahead. May God give you the strength you need. Know that Lucas is with you always – let his spirit come to you and comfort you in the quiet moments. And keep on writing your beautiful words – it is a testament to the amazing person Lucas was in his much too short life.

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  3. Marcia C. Is right. People say ignorant things that hurt…but they are well intended. Grace, stength, peace and love are with you especially today, as Lucas’ spirit is honored, and his body laid to rest. Always remembered…always living on in our hearts. ❤️

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  4. Melissa- I do not know you and did not have the pleasure of knowing your beautiful handsome son, but I am a mother in your community and cannot fathom the pain and agony you must feel. Please know that so many, many people are lifting you up in prayer in your community! Every where I go, people in this community are grieving with you and praying for you and your beautiful family. What a gift you have given Lucas to share your deep mother’s love with all of us through your words and your faith. We prayed for you at our Faith Formation class full of middle school kids this weekend.. we scratched our lesson plan and talked about and prayed for Lucas, and asked our kids to slow down and appreciate how precious life is. We passed around uplifting bible verses to pray for you and your family and then shared a mediation about meeting Jesus. You are touching so many lives in sharing your pain and your amazing faith in your darkest hours! Your blogging is such a beautiful and perfect tribute to the son you loved so very much. He will live on through you and your words. My husband and children and I are praying for you every day and I will continue to follow your blog. I pray that you find some peace in knowing you and Lucas have touched so many lives!

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