perspective

I used to see life like I was looking in a fun house mirror.  Things were out of shape, distorted.  The thing was though, I didn’t realize how distorted it was.  There were things I felt that should change.  I knew my life was not going the way I wanted it to.  It was the perspective that was wrong.  All wrong.

One the things about being in this new club I have found myself in, this “club no one ever wants to be in” is that there are some strange perks.  I think, personally that having such a huge loss puts everything in perspective.  I feel like its part of why this blog just flows out me.  When you have something “sacred torn from your life” as the Natalie Grand song says, very little of what was important before, matters now.  I feel like I can put my heart and soul out there and have thousands read it, and it people don’t like it? Who cares.  Nothing can hurt me when I’ve experienced a world of hurt.

Back to the perspective.  I used to think that it was OK to be in my own little shell.  I was depressed and had marriage problems a too many kids to keep my sanity.  I was really being closed off.  These things suck just as bad whether you are before or after a life changing experience.  I hope that for me these things get better- a lot lot better.  Yet I will always completely understand how it feels to be hurt and alone and closed off.  I will do my very best to minister to these people.  To try to seek them out.  That’s just it, depression is the great isolator. Those who are depressed want to close themselves off.  If only I had tried to reach out beyond myself more, try to find a community of christian women, try to think of others more and myself less.

Another huge one for me is how to spend my time.  I thought I had a “hobby” but they were time wasters.  There are many many great hobbies.  Mine was dumb.  I kept telling myself  it was okay because I was part of a huge online community where others had the same hobby.  Okay, I”ll tell you- its a certain brand of kids clothes.  I’m sure many of you are like, huh? I just wanted my kids to be super cute and it made me feel good to dress them in just the right outfit.  It also takes a lot of work to hunt down just the right piece because its that kind of brand.  Not even to begin with the time it took to sell it.  I’m sure this all sounds really crazy to you.  I’m going to have new hobbies now.  Playing with my kids more. Reading. Bible study.  If I can find a way to relax that is going to improve myself or others I’m gonna do it.

There are so many other ways that my perspective had changed.   Friends are soooooo much more important now.  A group of amazing Christian women has just embraced me and enveloped me in love.  If only I had leaned on them before.  My family was not as important as it should have been.  I held grudges; that they weren’t there for me enough, didn’t say the right things, didn’t support me the way I needed.  It’s all about forgiveness and acceptance.  We only have one family.  We never know how much time we have with them. Our differences are so minute when we realize we are all children of God.  People are put into our lives for a reason.  Love them. Forgive them.

My marriage before was coming apart because of selfishness.  Neither of us wanted to give up anything.  We wanted to hold our stance and demand we were right and the other was wrong.  Marriage is about sacrificing everything for the other person.  Its not about self, if you give yourself to your spouse and put their needs first they will do the same for you.

I’m in the club no one wants to be in.  Yet the view from here is amazing.

I Corinthians 13:2

Now all we can see of God
is like a cloudy picture
    in a mirror.
Later we will see him
    face to face.
We don’t know everything,
    but then we will,
just as God completely
    understands us.

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27 thoughts on “perspective

  1. You are an inspirational blogger. Though the subject that began this blog was so so sad, you are reaching so many people now with the light of Jesus. You are doing for others, whether just on a blog or as it seeps into your not-online-life. Inspirational and so brave…and SO HELD!!! I thank God for you and your courage to write. I am loving this transformation! 🙂

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  2. Melissa – I have been following your blog and have been praying for you since I heard what happened to Lucas. I am in also in the club that nobody wants to be in – I lost 2 boys shortly after they were born. Our losses are very similar and very different. The “Held” song is one I loved after our second son was born – still think of my boys when I hear it. The writings on your blog are bringing back all kinds of memories – sleepless nights, nightmares that I cannot forget, people not understanding that my sons are no longer here…but…I can say with truth that 10 and 7 years later…I am a different person, a better person. I look back and would not change what happened. You do find a new normal. My living kids have an awesome view of Heaven. We still talk about the boys a lot. We talk about Heaven a lot. We talk about Gods grace and his plan for our lives. The next few months and years will be hard – God did not want Lucas to die – He wanted him to have life – but He will use Lucas’ too-short life for His glory. My most important job being a mom is for my kids to accept Jesus and their Lord and Savior so when they die they will go to Heaven. I have 2 boys who have already benefited from God’s Grace…4 more to go… I’m praying for you and your family. Keep celebrating Lucas’ life. I am so very sorry you have to go through this…it really is not fair.

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  3. Amen. I am guilty of this too. I know I close myself off from others. I am very insecure, think people don’t really care so why bother. Yup. I know this side of me has hurt more than anything because I have no close friends. I mean, ones that I can totally open up with. I’m weird. I am stuck in my ways. I was thinking (selfishly so), if I died today, who would even come to my funeral other than family? After seeing how many supported your family this past week, it hit me to the core. I am alone and it sucks. So I am trying to make an effort to open up more.

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  4. Couldn’t agree more katie…i have lived more fully this past week than i have, well ever. I have set down my phone (other than to read your heart) and engaged in a life so precious. Its a gift i will never take for granted, ever.

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  5. You have a beautiful heart, Melissa. Living our life with more purpose because of what real raw feelings you have shared this past week. Your Sisters In Christ at Resurrection Life Rockford join so many praying for you. ❤ Jane

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  6. Really loved reading this. What a great message, Melissa. That last line…. amazing view… incredible. I think you have a gift, and for sure you really will have a platform to help others. And….I think that that right there can be God bringing good from indescribably awful. No doubt that there will be a great many ups and downs yet to come as you work through your grief but wow do you have an awesome outlet here. Very glad you’re feeling held. Keep writing.

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  7. Thanks for this….I think about perspective quite a bit, because it changes often. I have a son with a chronic illness, and he’s had some very scary times with it where that perspective changes because his condition changes. And then time goes by and we get distracted again it’s like I start getting stuck in my old ways again until something pulls it back…something like maybe your words here.
    I thank you for your honesty and your thoughts….

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  8. I am so thankful for you and for the way you are using Lucas’ life to make such an impact. I too always found it so easy to just be on an island when I wanted to and I don’t think I’ll ever again be in that place. I would much, much, much rather have muffins every Monday with some of the best women I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and doing life with. Love you!

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  9. Melissa…I have read every post you have written, and have responded a few times too. Prayers are coming your way well beyond Michigan to those I have shared with! I love that your responses are raw…truly coming from your heart. And, whether you realize it or not, you seem like you are seeing positive experiences and uplifting events coming out of this unbearable accident. I smile when I think “Yes!! Melissa is doing a tiny bit better today!” There are so many times in life we feel alone, despair, no one else has the same problems as I or wouldn’t understand. We often turn to friends close, but sometimes we think we may be judged or it’s embarrassing, etc. If you EVER want to just email me or even call/text and maybe one day down the road meet, I would love to be a friend you can turn to who is there just to listen, support and help you. You are touching hearts of people you don’t even know! What a special gift. God is giving you the strength to move forward. To cleanse your heartbroken soul through words, scripture, His word, new friends, etc. Be strong Melissa. Continue doing exactly what you are doing! You are learning so much about yourself! And, your willingness to share is incredible! Again, feel free to contact me if you need a friend any time! I would feel honored! Peace and comfort.

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  10. Melissa- I am in that club also. My son was killed in a car accident at the young age of 18. It has been almost 5 years. I am going to do a balloon launch on the date. There are still so many days I fall and just cry. You are very strong and an inspiration.
    God Bless-Michelle

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  11. Melissa- Wow- you are so inspiring with your faith and your perspective:) Such truth and depth in your words! Today I will try my best to choose love and forgiveness and acceptance instead of focusing on details that DO NOT MATTER…like an unwashed car or messy coat closets with missing gloves from forgetful kids or my boys socks not matching his shirt…the things I was dwelling on before I read your blog and took a moment to breathe 🙂 Thank you Melissa…keep writing. You are still in my families thoughts and prayers and have made such an impact on me.
    Hugs and prayers to you!

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