always there

I fell apart last night.  It surprised me because it just came out of the blue.  I found his baseball glove, under the couch.

Sometimes when you lose someone you go to this place of such deep agony, such profound pain and sadness, you don’t think you can go on.  I described it to my Mom as feeling like I’m laying at the bottom of the ocean.  There’s miles and miles of water above me pressing on me, drowning me, the pressure is going to kill me.  I literally could not breathe. I felt like the rest of my life was going to be that upward swim, towards heaven.  It would be agonizing slow.  I had miles of water to swim through. I had no oxygen. I knew I was eventually going to get to the top but it would be a terrifying and horrific journey.  It was a very dark place. I didn’t feel like I felt God’s presence, I felt very alone and afraid.

Yet he was there.  I was crying out and screaming “NO GOD! PLEASE! PLEASE! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!” I just kept saying, “NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.  I NEED HIM. I NEED LUCAS.”

Yet he was there, in my darkest hour.  I didn’t feel God at that moment but he was there.  He picked me back up off the floor. I went from a place of hopelessness to hopefulness.  I felt like I could live again.  He will NEVER leave.

Deuteronomy 31:6

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

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22 thoughts on “always there

  1. “Oceans (where my feet may fail)” – Hillside United
    You call me out upon the waters
    The great unknown where feet may fail
    And there I find You in the mystery
    In oceans deep
    My faith will stand

    And I will call upon Your name
    And keep my eyes above the waves
    When oceans rise
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    For I am Yours and You are mine

    Your grace abounds in deepest waters
    Your sovereign hand
    Will be my guide
    Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
    You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

    So I will call upon Your name
    And keep my eyes above the waves
    When oceans rise
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    For I am Yours and You are mine

    [6x]
    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

    Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!

    I will call upon Your name
    Keep my eyes above the waves
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    I am Yours and You are mine

    Lord I pray you embrace Melissa today, raise her from the depths of the ocean bottoms, let her walk on water, may she feel your loving presence surround her. Amen.

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    • Melissa, I don’t know you, but have been following your blog as a mom who lost her oldest son on the 4th of July in a motorcycle accident this past summer. I can so identify with your blog today (as I have most days!). I have had this same feeling so many times…but I can assure you that God is indeed always there and believe it or not (I didn’t, especially the first couple months) it will happen less often and the intensity of it will not last quite as long. It is so ironic that the song shared above was sung in our song this past Sunday and I found such peace in the words. Perfect! Stay strong and know that we have been called to this journey and God will be there every step of the way making our faith stronger! Praying for you and your family and thank you for so eloquently stating what those of us in this awful “club” feel and have trouble expressing.

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    • Oh Melissa, the Lord and His flock are indeed lifting you up. Praying for you every morning. You are filled with the Holy Spirit, the Lord is shining upon you in the midst of your darkness. Lucas is also and your words are a testimony to the way he lived his life. Grief is one of the hardest struggles we have hear on earth. I am so glad you have been willing to share and reach out. You are doing all the right things. So happy you are open to receive the gifts of comfort God’s people are sharing with you. Bear one anothers burdens He instructs. Be close to the widow, the widows might. This is all found in the BIBLE! Truly our instruction manual for life. Know you are being held up in prayer. As I gather this morning with a beautiful group of Sisters in Christ we will pray for you.. This will be at 9:30 this morning. I have a dear friend in Grand Rapids who shared your story and blog with me. You will now have a prayer team in Bloomfield Hills @ Kirk in the Hills. God Bless you and comfort you in the way only He can. Feel His loving arms wrapped around you.
      Julie Wright, Troy, MI
      jjwright4@msn.com

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  2. Every once in a while I still find things that belonged to my son Dustin and I still fall apart, I think I will for the rest of my life. There are days I just lay there and think about him and his beautiful smile. I know I have gotten stronger because I am living again, I am doing what I know Dustin would want me to do, I am doing it for my other children and my family! I know Dustin is always with me. I know he is safe in heaven from the terrible things that happen in this world! My heart is still very heavy and I will always have that empty place in my heart until see him again. Hold on to knowing you will be with him again in heaven! Some days will be so much harder then others, where you won’t even want to get out of bed. I talked to him and know he hears me. I laugh at some of the silly things he did and maybe he is even laughing with me. I take things day by day! You are getting stronger even though you may not notice but know that Lucas is always with you!

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  3. Monk & Neagle – Dancing With the Angels

    Memories surround me
    But sadness has found me
    I’d do anything for more time
    Never before has someone meant more
    And I can’t get you out of my mind

    There is so much that I don’t understand
    But I know

    You’re dancing with the angels
    Walking in new life
    You’re dancing with the angels
    Heaven fills your eyes
    Now that you’re dancing with the angels

    You had love for your family
    Love for all people
    Love for the Father and Son
    Your heart will be heard
    In your unspoken words
    Through generations to come

    There is so much that I don’t understand
    But I know

    You’re dancing with the angels
    Walking in new life
    You’re dancing with the angels
    Heaven fills your eyes
    Now that you’re dancing

    We’re only here for such a short time
    I’m gonna stand up, shout out
    Sing Hallelujah
    One day I’ll see you again

    I will be dancing with the angels
    Walking in new life
    I’m dancing with the angels
    Heaven will fill our eyes
    When we’re dancing with the angels
    When we’re dancing with the angels

    Dancing with the angels
    Dancing with the angels

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  4. Thank you for sharing. When I struggle with my depression and sadness I imagine God’s footprint in the sand and I curl up in His heel and rest.

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  5. Much love to you today. I love that Kortne posted the words to Oceans because that always makes me think of you too.

    I know you know we’re here, but even if you need to text and say that you need someone to be with you….any of us would be there with you and for you.

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  6. Praising God for staying with you during your darkest hours, allowing you to go through those emotions but still there to lift you to your feet and help you walk with hope and faith! Thank you God for helping Melissa up and please Heavenly Father surround her with your precious Angels today, fill her heart with hope, continue to place people in her path that can help her on her journey. Love her and hold her Lird Jesus I pray this in your precious name
    Amen

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  7. This breaks my heart. I wish this was the last bad day you will have. Unfortunately, there will be more. There is not a mother or father who doesn’t hurt for you. It could be us. It might be us some day. Melissa, take one day at a time and know we are all here for you!

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  8. I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. (‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1-3‬ NKJV)

    [Oh my dear previous child], Be still and know that I am God. I will carry you through this storm. My arms are strong enough to carry you. My back is wide enough to carry your burdens, my legs can walk and tread through these bellowing waters for you, my heart is breaking along with yours. My eyes can see beyond this storm and I will be right by your side all the days of your life. I am your rock. Your salvation. Trust me and I will deliver you from the pit of despair. I love you MY child.

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  9. You titled a post very early on “Sinking.” No way around that these moments will continue to overwhelm. Trust that when you feel that sinking feeling, that falling apart, that in those times when you reach out your hand you will be lifted back up. Prayers.

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  10. Melissa, your words beautifully describe this deep AGONY, the deep deep agony of loosing someone so deeply loved. Then you (of all people) bring us all back around to the HOPE we must LIVE IN, BELIEVE IN, STAND ON… the GRACE of God to send His Son Jesus to FORGIVE us, die FOR us, SAVE us, and the POWER to conquer death that we might LIVE… and be reunited again with those we loved so deeply! This is not the end of Lucas’ story, it is only the Preface to the real story! Praying his peace over you today.

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