We belong to HIM

As the days go on I feel like it’s getting harder. Reality is setting in. I was trying so hard to fight off that pain, trying with every ounce of my being.  Not to feel too much.  Not to think too much.  One thing that I discovered is going “out” is very painful.  I was basically just hanging out in my house for the most part for 10 days.

Then I decided to go to Meijer.  I just wanted to feel a little normalcy.  It was exceedingly hard.  Every thing I walked by seem to remind me of him somehow.  The workout gear.  The hunting gear.  His favorite body spray.  Then I started remembering how quite often I would be getting ready to go grocery shopping after dinner and Lucas would jump in the car with me.  We would go to Meijer together, just to hang out mother and son. It was always his idea. My sweet loving boy.  There was so little time for that.  With 5 kids it is so, so, hard to get one on one time with them.  I literally walked through Meijer in slow motion, willing my feet to walk down the aisles.  I didn’t want to stay and I didn’t want to leave.

I drove by Forest Hills Central for the first time since the accident.  My preschooler wanted me to take her to school.  So I said OK.  Didn’t think it would be a big deal, but it was.  Terribly horribly painful.  As I tried to slow down my breathing I thought, those kids need prayers.  So I prayed for them.  I begged God to use this tragedy to change them.  To breathe the breath of God into that school.

A friend was talking to me about the place where Lucas is buried.  I am hyperventilating typing this.  I cannot cannot cannot think about him in a casket.  It makes me want to lay on the floor and scream. It makes me want to go lay down in the snow and cover myself in it.  Just feel the freezing cold seeping into my bones instead of feeling such intense mental anguish.

I have not been doing as well. The shock and adreneline is wearing off.  I know I will make it though.

Someone sent me a beautiful verse that has been comforting to me.

I Samuel 1: 27-28.  “I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”

Lucas was mine, but yet he wasn’t.  He was always God’s.

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23 thoughts on “We belong to HIM

  1. THE LOAN
    “I’ll lend you for a little time,
    a child of mine, “God said;
    “For you to love while he lives,
    and mourn for when he’s dead.
    It may be six or seven years,
    or only two or three
    But will you, ‘til I call him back
    take care of him for me?
    He’ll bring his charms to gladden you,
    and shall his stay be brief
    You’ll have his lovely memories
    as a solace for your grief
    I cannot promise he will stay,
    since all from earth return
    But there are lessons taught down there,
    I want this child to learn
    I’ve looked the wide world over
    in my search for teachers true,
    And from the throngs that crowd life’s land,
    I have selected you,
    Now will you give him all your love,
    not think your labor vain,
    Nor hate me when I come
    to take him home again?
    I fancied that I heard them say:
    “Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
    For all the joy thy child shall bring,
    the risk of grief we’ll run.
    We’ll shelter him with tenderness,
    we’ll love him while we may,
    And for all the happiness we’ve known,
    forever grateful stay.
    But shall the angels call him
    much sooner than we’ve planned,
    We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes,
    and surely understand.”

    Author unknown…

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  2. I want you to know I’m still praying for you and thinking of you so much. I can barely drive on Cascade Rd. I know if I feel that way, then it must be a million times more gut-wrenching for you. But as “our” shock wears off and “your” reality sets in, I want you to know that I’m praying there’s less of a gap between the “us” and the “you.” That somehow those of us who do not know this anguish can still bridge the distance, so you do not feel isolated in this.
    Jennifer

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  3. I’m so sorry for the painful, hard days..
    I want you to know that I also see reminders of your son Lucas each day while I’m out running my kids.. Every day at FHC high school, I see the rock that is painted for Lucas and my thoughts turn into prayers for you, your husband, your beautiful children, and the FHC students.. Every time I drive by Lions Park, the same thing.. I remember the baseball games and the bunch of the little kids running around while during the game as we try to watch our boys. These thoughts, turn into prayers for you..every time. I just want you to know this. So many families are thinking of you and remembering Lucas. Lucas’ life shined a light into many hearts at FHC and I will continue to pray this prayer with you – for God to use this tragedy to change them.

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  4. Melissa, I am so sorry for your pain. My heart hurts for you and with you. I am praying that you will feel God’s presence. That you will feel him carrying you, holding you, helping you.

    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

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  5. Lifting you up in prayer. Grace and peace and comfort to you and your family from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. May the Lord strengthen you as you share your heart.

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  6. Hello Melissa,

    Though we’ve never met, I, like everyone in our community that I’ve talked with, are saddened by Lucas’ death and have been raising you and your family up in prayer.

    Certain words in your blog bring Bible verses to mind, which often have songs that contain them. Today I thought of:

    I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come from?
    My help comes from the Lord,
    Who made heaven and earth.
    Psalm 121

    Casting Crowns did an inspiring song many years ago containing those words called “Prasie You In This Storm.” I was watching many versions on Youtube this morning and thinking, praying (yeah, crying too) ………..words, images, music can be so powerful in helping us deal with our emotions……The song so beautifully captures God’s strength and understanding of our feelings of isolation, fear, despair, anger, joy,…….and He loves us!

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  7. I fear losing one of children, I’ve imagined what the loss would feel like and the pain is frightening. I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing however your words are raw in describing this nightmare. Like many have said, we are thinking of you, ️praying for you, living more authentically because you’ve shared Lucas with us and cling to faith & his promise of salvation!

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  8. Melissa,

    Many years ago I wrote a poem for my firstborn son and after reading today’s post, I have adapted it for your son with the hope that it will bless you.

    For Lucas

    Your wings had
    the strength to
    fly
    long before my
    heart had the
    courage to let go.

    Yet here I stand,
    an archer,
    with bow held taunt,
    releasing this
    mighty arrow
    which had grown
    so straight,
    so strong,
    so steady.

    And here I kneel,
    a Hannah – at
    this time and in
    this place –
    though my firstborn
    no longer at my side.
    This child for
    whom I prayed.
    This young man
    who has been
    given over to the Lord.
    -Kitt Heeres
    01/2015

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  9. Dear mrs. Conner,
    My name is Jon Martin and I met you at the visitation. I played baseball with Lucas. I just wanted to tell you that I have been reading your blogs and I feel the need to say that Lucas changed my life drastically. Before I met Lucas I was struggling with my faith after moving from Florida where I lost all of my friends. Lucas made me feel accepted here and made me realize that my life had not been reflecting God. Since I met Lucas I have been going to church every Sunday and try to reflect Christ in everything I do. I now try to live like Lucas every day and I feel a direct connection with God. I wanted to thank you very much for Lucas.

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  10. Thank you for the courage to express all of these delicate feelings with us. Ive been following your blog since the first day and im just so very torn apart with every post, i cry with you on your hard days and celebrate with you on the days that you feel better and feel Gods comfort in such a close way. I dont know you personally but i am a sister in Christ and pray for you everyday. Ive been through some loss of my own and my motto has been… let go and let God. He does walk us through this journey of life, all the pain as well as the joys. May you always feel Gods arms wrap around you especially on the moments of intense pain. He loves you so much.

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  11. Melissa:

    You do not know me, however I have been praying for you since I heard about Lucas’s accident on the radio, 91.3. I have a dear friend in the FHN district, and her son knew Lucas. Jeremy Camp has a great song called “He Knows”… I only learned this week that he lost his first wife to cancer at 21 years old, after 3 1/2 months of marriage. I hope you can listen to this song. I know music touches your heart, as it does mine.

    I am praying for you. I know God holds you, even though you can’t feel it at every moment.

    With care,
    Jane

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  12. Let the LOVE of Lucas “flow” through your body. He would want that. He will ALWAYS be with you. No one can EVER take away HIS love for you or yours for him. I do not know your pain, and it’s an awful thing that your family has endured. We are ALL on loan here on earth and we are NEVER or COULD EVER be prepared for something that breaks our hearts so severely. Be comforted to know that YOU and YOUR family were chosen to give him a SPECIAL kind of LOVE while he was on loan to you. I’m sure he thanks you dearly for that. He is at peace. Prayer for your family.

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  13. Melissa,

    I’ve been praying for you and following your blog since I read about the accident. I am so, so sorry. I happened to be reading through the book of Job and to supplement my study, I’ve found this material to be quite helpful. You may not be ready for it, but may want to come back to it at a later time. http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/by-series/job-five-sermons-on-suffering

    Praying for God’s grace, hope, peace and strength for you and your family!

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  14. You don’t know who I am but I have been following your blog. As a Mom I cant imagine what you are going through. Unimaginable! It might help if you visit ” In Loving Memory of Jillian Alexis Crist very similar circumstances unfortunately. Mom is an incredible writer. Think it might help

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  15. Your blog reminded me of a quarrel I had with my teenage daughter. The quarrel prompted her to leave and spend the summer with her father and sister. We had a system when we would go grocery shopping it wasn’t till that summer that I realized how much that system meant to me. I totally know how hard it was for you to walk through that store with only memories.
    I wish I could take your pain for you, to say just the right thing to give you hope, peace, comfort, and strength. As I write this though I realize I can pray, I can ask Jesus to give you all those things. Melissa may you find those things today, and in the days that follow. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

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  16. Dear Melissa,
    It wasn’t long after hearing of Lucas’ death that I started to wonder if you were a former student of mine. (I’m picturing a little girl with blonde, curly hair!) Could that be correct?
    My heart was filled with sadness upon hearing this news. I’m sure there are no words to describe the pain you are feeling! You must be a wonderful mother to have raised such an awesome son! It would have been a joy to have known him!
    How thankful I am to hear of Lucas’ and your faith! As painful as this loss is, we, as Christians look forward to the promise of Heaven, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection!
    My prayers will continue as you, your husband, and children walk this difficult road.I have no words, but know that His grace will be there for you!
    With much love and hugs,
    Sue Klein

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  17. You are in our thoughts and prayers constantly, our hearts are grieving for you and your family. I wish I could be of some help. I am proud of you Melissa for your giving to others with your outpouring of your self and it is helping so many others to realize the pain to lose a precious son. I know by your words that God is on your side and will be forever. We are sending our love and peace be with you dear one. Grandma

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  18. you have to let yourself grieve and have your good days and bad that’s very normal. it’s hard to try and move on and keep “normal” living when you hurt so much. losing my mom was a different pain then yours, but I also remembering walking through good ol meijers just about 8 days after she passed ,, I felt like I was spaced out, started getting anxious, and then the darn songs started playing in the store, some of her favorites! yup I left the cart and went home! but day by day you keep getting a little stronger, im sure you have much longer days ahead. I remember to when they buried her it was cold out, December , I wanted to bury myself with her, but I had my boys , her grandsons who were heartbroken and needed me. you will get through this , you have so much faith and you are strong! your babies need you!! hang on tight girl, you have great support! ❤️🙏

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