Fear

I hate waking up and realizing that everything is the same as it was yesterday.  He’s still gone.  I’m scared. So scared.

I’m scared I won’t be able to go on with the rest of my life.  I went to a school event with my daughter last night.  I really, really wanted to go for her.  To show her that she still has a mommy that wants to do things with her.

It was so hard.  I texted a friend last night, I feel like my insides have been carved out and replaced with broken glass.  Everything hurts so bad.  Everything at the school reminded me of him. I wasn’t expecting that.  I had forgotten that an artist by the name of Tom Woodruff would be there; who taught Lucas drawing at Goodwillie.  Lucas was always gushing about “woody.” One thing I am certain about, was Lucas knew who the good people were.  He knew who really cared.  I’m not really sure how I got through the “drawing” section of the evening, because I could barely hold it together.  I just knew I wanted to tell Woody how much he meant to Lucas.  They had seen each other after Goodwillie and talked and Lucas was really impressed he still remembered his name.  Woody treated him like an old friend.  People like Tom Woodruff need to be told they are making a difference.

What I was getting at is I am terrified of going on without Lucas. Going on so broken and hurting.  If a simple Eager Reader Night was difficult how am I ever going to function again.  How am I going to go to basketball games.  Lucas played on an MVP team last year.  I don’t know how I will do watching Brooklyn play softball; so similar to baseball.  Lucas’ love.  How am I going to do ANYTHING.

I am scared of remembering.  When memories of him start flooding back I shut down.  I try not to remember.  As much as possible I try not to think about him, at least not in depth. I can think of his heart, and soul and mind, but not the physical Lucas.  I want to hug his tall lanky frame and mess up his curls so bad,  That is unthinkable pain- remembering the physical.  That is when I am hanging by a rope above an abyss ready to fall in.

Yet I cling for all its worth.  I cling to that rope that is my faith.  I grip is with my entire being knowing God will not let me fall into that abyss.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Last night this song gave me so much comfort. Please, please, listen to it and let it comfort you.

He knows

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9 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Yes Melissa He does know and I hope you find some comfort in that you are not alone in this pain and suffering. I don’t have any words t to make you feel better but know that I think of you ALL the time and want you to find peace, strength, and comfort.

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  2. oh hon, I am praying for you. That these hard hard days will soon be overshadowed with less hard days. I could so easily say, it will get better but that sounds so unsympathetic. Because seeing your pain and anguish only causes me to get a glimpse of how incredibly awful it is to lose a child. The only comfort I know to give is prayer and support, and that seems so insignificant at times. I do pray that each outing, school event and sport event will slowly turn to less pain and less sadness. I applaud you so much for even doing these things, as hard as it is. It would be so easy to not do these, and understandably so. You are stepping out in the hardest faith you will ever have. I pray each step will make you stronger. You are such an amazing mom, Lucas applauds you every time to get up out of bed. Imagine the cheers you receive when you go and support your other kids. The smiles on his face when you leave your house. Go with God each day my friend.

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  3. Melissa – you and your family are in my thoughts CONSTANTLY. Our lives are very similar and I can only help that if I’m ever faced with a tragedy like this, that I handle it with the courage (even though you may not feel it) and grace that you have. Sharing your thoughts here has helped me treasure the precious moments that I have with my family and friends. I’m so glad to see in your blog that you have such strong faith. God WILL walk you through this. Terry Law spoke at our church last week and said that we are either IN a storm, coming OUT of a storm, or GOING into a storm. It is those storms that God uses to build us up, show our courage, and to increase our dependency on Him. You are in the worst of all storms, but please cling to your faith and show your beautiful babies that God is good, all the time, God is good. You wrote that God is saddened by Lucas’ death, but He will use it to make miracles along the way, even if we don’t see them here. I’m truly SO sorry for your loss. I wish I knew you so I could offer to help in any way, but lean on your friends and those who love you. God Bless.

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  4. Ok no more reading your blog at work. Eyes full of tears. Just the depth of your hurt and sadness…. the massiveness of a loss of a child. Heart breaks for you. Praying for you and your family daily. Through God, time will ease the sting and make it a little bit easier to bear.

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  5. Melissa – I can’t help but to think of you whenever this song comes on the radio. My sympathies are unending. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Keep sharing – we continue to pray. ❤

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  6. So many prayers, so much love being sent in your direction right now! For sure, Lucas is remembered and loved by his Goodwillie family. His legacy lives on there. Lauren said they went on a winter hike and played capture the flag in his honor, on the day of his memorial service. Woody continues to teach birds, to small children who are eager to learn from him, and Lucas is there. Lucas is there. I wish he was here, for you; I truly do. Continually lifting you up in prayer ~Kristin

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  7. Grieving is hard. I wish I could wipe away your pain and broken heart. Having not known your sweet Lucas I can only imagine he wants you to live each day to its fullest. Cherish every memory, laugh, cry, giggle, scream but most important don’t ever stop remembering. Your sons life has given me hope and has reminded me to live each day for Him. And your messages over and over again have made me realize I don’t tell people often enough how much I care about them and appreciate the little things. Love and prayers

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  8. Praying for you daily!! Know & remember God’s love is with you every moment to help carry you through ! May God give you strength to live each day ! This blog is a tool that God has provided to not only help you but to help others! Know many are touched & also praying for you & your family God bless

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  9. Ok, so today I have YOU lifting me, thank you for sharing your song, as tears stream down my face because I can’t take this hurt & pain away for you. Your showing, loving & honoring your beautiful boy by sharing your life together. THANK YOU! ❤

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