light on a dark path

Yesterday was bad.  I wasn’t a blubbering mess all day, but being together just with my husband and kids (which hasn’t happened in over two weeks) was difficult.  Everyone in my family is going to grieve differently and we were seeing all kinds of grief. Anger, irritability, crying at what appears to be nothing, general grumpiness.  For me I was just tired all the way down to the marrow in my bones.

First of all-  church.  I will never miss church again unless there is a typhoon, hurricane, or 7 feet of snow.  However getting my children ready is like running a marathon. OK, a short one but its a short uphill one.  They don’t know what to wear.  They don’t want to wear what I pick out.  Someone forgot to shower….hmm how can we cover that one up.  Where’s the other sock.  I lost my coat.  I don’t want to go.  Then everyone is finally in the car and I can’t find my purse, I need a waterbottle, and a safety pin.  With all the mounds of junk in the house I can’t find one safety pin.  Getting ready for church is a less than desirable activity.

So we finally make it to church, and of course that is awesome.  I feel the word to every song like its beating in my heart. One song about Jesus laying down his life almost broke me down but my friend Steph was there to hold me hand.  The preaching is always so spot on. Jeff Manion is a superstar preacher.  In his humble, gentle way he weaves an intricate tapestry of God’s word and our lives in a way that makes it feel like he is speaking only to you.  If you are not feeling as inspired maybe you should try Ada Bible.  It leaves me in awe every time.  Like a laser pointer of God’s grace and love and mercy is pointing right at my life.

So after getting lunch in the bellies of four cantankerous children my husband said “we are going to go to the gym.” I could have said no but I didn’t want to.  I knew he needed me to help the kids get ready for swimming, Well mostly he wanted me to work out.  Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. NOOOOOOOOO.  So after he got them in the pool, instead of heading to the elliptical I decided spur of the moment to go in the hot tub.

That was a very good decision.  It felt like the jets and hot water were just soothing away all the pain.  Then someone next to me, a Mom and daughter started talking about basketball.  Lucas had played some basketball until his head injury (a MRSA infection,he had to have blood clot removed, had skull removed then put back) when he was ten.  Then he played one season last year.  He tried out for FHC’s team and made it but ultimately decided not to play because he wanted to focus on academics.  It was a struggle for him to maintain his grades the last couple of years because he was having memory and focus problems most likely from the previous infection.

So as this Mom and daughter are talking and sitting in the hot tub, it feels so healing but tears are starting to stream down my face.  Then I hear her say something about a game for Lucas.  I immediately sit up, open my eyes and say ‘that’s my son!”

Then I learned who the daughter was.  It was Annalee Konsoer-Rose.  I am sure many of you have heard of her.  She is a FHE senior and outstanding basketball player who has been battling a spinal cyst.  After talking with her for minutes I knew she was an old soul like Lucas.  She has that heart for others.  She had heard of Lucas and immediately felt a connection. She was trying to come up with something to do to honor him at her school.  She offered to distribute the Live Like Lucas bracelets.  I was so blessed to have spoken to her.  I knew immediately God has sent us to the same place at the same time.  As we were talking in the hot tub and I was telling her more about Lucas’ life and what kind of kid he was, everyone in the hot tub started crying.  I told them about my blog.  God touched other lives and I was encouraged by a simple hot tub visit.

So my bad day wasn’t so bad after all.  Its just getting through those tough moments.  Its about building up the resolve and determination to carry on.  Beautiful things will happen.

I think of my road as rocky, thorny, sometimes smooth and sometimes quicksand.  Uphill and downhill.  Jesus does not promise it will be easy.  He promises he will hold my hand, guide me, and light the way.

As David says in Psalm 119:105, “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”

 

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9 thoughts on “light on a dark path

  1. Melissa I wanted to let you know you’re not forgotten and prayers for you and yours continue. It may seem that people have simply picked up their “normal” lives and are forgetting your loss , but so many people continue to lift you up and live differently because of Lucas. May God give you strength and peace.

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  2. It is so evident that god is cradling you in his arms right now. It is amazing to hear/see it as an outsider. You are an inspiration to so many. May you continue to feel gods presence in very real ways!

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  3. Jeff Manion is a superstar preacher! Love that line. Really, though, I love that people were placed exactly where they needed to be to give you exactly what you needed at that moment. I know that what you most need is just to have Lucas back, but seeing how God is filling that by sending you the exact people He wants there and allow your ears/heart to listen. You could have just as easily tuned out in the hot tub and instead you got to impact even more lives BECAUSE of this great, great loss in your life. Love you, my friend, for being the inspiration that you are and bravely taking each step day-by-day. And, for being bold in sharing your heart so openly with the world.

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  4. Melissa,
    I don’t know you, I didn’t know Lucas. I went to your blog after seeing you on the news.
    I LOVE that you are loving, learning, leaning on Jesus through this. I love that your daughter can now wear highwater pants. I love that you and your husband are becoming closer. I think it’s so amazing that you can see light in the darkness. I pray that this journey will lead you to 1 Thess 5:16-18 “give thanks in every situation”. Not for the situation, but in the midst of it, giving thanks.
    I live in GH and we had a tragedy here only a few days before yours with a 15 year old boy drowning. I pray that maybe someday you can come along side that mom and help lead her to the Rock, if she’s not there already. She can be one to say, “yeah, I have been there.”
    I am a mom of three little boys and reading your blogs has helped me to be a better mom. I am trying not to freak out over Nerf gun fights in the house, or handprints on the couch, or crumbs on the floor, or the noise level in the house… But rather to take time to love and enjoy them. Lucas sounds like an amazing son, brother, friend, and Child of the King. What a blessing he was to you and others.
    Isaiah 61:1-3
    The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    Because the Lord has anointed me
    To bring good news to the afflicted;
    He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    To proclaim liberty to captives
    And freedom to prisoners;
    To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
    And the day of vengeance of our God;
    To comfort all who mourn,
    To grant those who mourn in Zion,
    Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
    The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
    So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
    The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

    When the ground thaws, plant an oak tree 🌳,
    Soli Deo Gloria

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  5. Everything you see & hear will remind you of Lucas because he was part of your life for 15 years he felt that he didn’t t have a lot of close friends buy he left a legacy that the kids will never forget & that’ s what is important. Cherish those things.Praying for you & your family.

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  6. Again another toughing story -words of your life! What an awesome God to push you through the hectic morning to bring you & your family to hear His Word in church knowing those words would strengthen you. Also going to the gym was no accident God knew again you needed to meet these people messengers from God. I pray & think of you often–I asked God is there another verse I can give of your Word—out of the blue my daughter -in-law texts me a verse Monday of a verse she loves & helps her so today God told me to share: 2Corintians 12:10 : When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do. continue prayers for you & your family

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