Up at 6 again. I hate this. My bed was my comfort, where I could wrap myself in a cocoon of warm blankets and forget that the world exists. Now its only a comfort if I’m asleep. When I’m lying in bed awake its when my mind processes things. Terrible, horrible things. The way I saw my beautiful, strong handsome boy moaning in the snow covered with blood. In the ER after the life had gone out of him and it already didn’t look like Lucas. I could barely touch him. He looked beaten up, battered, like he had suffered. Pictures of things no one should ever see. No mother especially. I try SO HARD to think of something else but…I can’t.
I put some music on and pretend I’m on a beach. It doesn’t work. I’ve been on so many beaches with Lucas. It seems there is no escape.
I was told yesterday I should write in a journal. This is what I want to write:
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
On every page. Then,
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
On the other side.
They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…..really?
So for the rest of life I have to have nightmares of crumpled bodies. Every time I see my family sitting around the table there is someone missing. I can’t look at pictures of him right now. Every vacation, holiday, birthday,graduation- that tall comforting presence will not be there. Seeing anything that had to do with him- gyms,workout clothes, protein shakes, baseball gloves, violas, snowboards, hunting bows- I could probably name a thousand things right now that will cause me heartbreak. I still have to go through his clothes. His ginormous shoes. See the hand prints they made of him in the hospital. I can picture them in my mind- his hands were BIG. Long thin fingers that were skilled at so many things.
I know I will go on. Yet I feel like God has given me too much. Too much.
Who am I to judge what God deems right?
In the Bible he tells the story of Job, man of God. He was a devout and faithful servant of the Lord who lost EVERYTHING he had. His crops, his livestock, every one of his ten children.
Do you know what he said?
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:21
I don’t think I can handle this…but God does.
melissaconnerblog 
Your blog is so touching Melissa. Unless you have been in a place so deep and dark can someone begin to understand what it looks like on the inside of it. And God is there too. A thought occurred that perhaps you might find someone who could make a large quilt with his clothes to wrap yourself up in when you need to feel his warmth. I also understand that Hospice has some sort of program that makes teddy bears out of shirts, if you can find someone who can do that perhaps for your children(?) Lucas is on the other side of the chasm between this life and the real one waiting for your family to meet him. God knows what it feels like to lose a son. We have one child, a son. God has spoken more to me through this child, to be the person I am meant to be today.
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Dear Melissa:
Reading Job’s words brought to mind the song: “Blessed Be Your Name”. I am not “techie” enough to know how to post the link for it from Youtube to your blog, but the Matt Redmon version is my favorite. It is another one of those songs that may help your heart. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for you every day, and adding a prayer that God will gently “erase” from your mind the horrifying pictures of Lucas after the accident and just fill your brain with all the good pictures that are also recorded there. Praying with care for you.
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I don’t know you…no matter…I ask God to calm your heart daily.
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My heart hurts for all those things and for u this morning. Love you
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Melissa,
You don’t know me, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry about what happened to Lucas. I’m a forest hills mom as well and have thought and prayed for you every day since this tragedy.Our hearts are all aching with yours and I’m only sorry I didn’t know your phenomenal son.
I’m sure you’ve been flooded with suggestions, etc., but after reading your post today I felt I should reach out to you just in case you weren’t aware of it. I think there is a therapist in town that could really help you with the images that are stuck in your mind. When a person goes through a trauma like what you have experienced the brain cannot “file” them away as it normally does. Those images remain in the forefront of the brain only to be relived (traumatically) day after day. This is similar to (or may be) PTSD and a local psychotherapist, Jeff Dwarhuis, has helped many people I know by using a technique called EMDR. (It is used successfully to treat veterans returning from war.) His number is 443-1425 and his office is near you.
I’m sure you are connected to a great support system already, and perhaps this could be in addition to help that you may already be receiving? I’m a counselor and have seen Jeff present at various conferences and have referred others to him. My students and parents have felt that he has been really beneficial in dealing with traumas that they have experienced as well.
I’m so glad you are not on this grief journey alone. I see the love, support and prayer envelop you in hopes of offering the peace and comfort you need.
Warmly,
Lisa
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There are no words to comfort you, This is the horrible part of the grieving process. Just know Lucas did not suffer..God put His arms around him. I am a nurse as well as a sister of the club no one wants to be a member. Melissa I have talked to many people who have been hit or in car accidents and thet remember nothing.
The body is the vessel of the soul. His soul lives on in a more beautiful vessel.
You have a gift of expressing the feelings of all mothers that have lost a child. Thank you for giving our hearts words.
Sisters
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Oh Melissa…my heart aches for you every day and especially when I read your blog. I can not even fathom the pain of losing one of my dear children, but I can relate in the fact that we’re both moms…who would give our own lives for our children. As I rock my baby to sleep, I don’t know what God has planned for her or my other 2 children, but I have to trust them to God. There was nothing you (or anyone) could have done to save your precious son from that horrible accident. God had a plan for your son, and I see it playing out in your life and all those that knew him…but, I am sure that doesn’t ease the unbearable pain you are going through. I am so sorry… I do want to share this with you though. I don’t believe it’s true that “God will not give you more than you can handle.” 1 Corinthians 13:1 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” You now know, God can and has given you more than you can handle. When we were told our daughter, only 3 months old at the time, may not make it through the night because of a very serious heart condition, a dear friend of mine, who had lost her own son as a baby, shared that with me.
I have a devotional simply called “Hope” and I would like to quote for you a line in one of the devotions called “The Shadow of Death.” “Dr. Donald Grey Barnhouse was one of America’s great preachers…His first wife died…leaving behind three children under the age of twelve. Dr. Barnhouse was driving home from the funeral service with his children when a huge truck stopped next to them at a traffic light, blocking the sunlight and covering the car with its shadow. He turned to his children and said, “Death is like that. It blocks the sunshine, but the sun is still shining.”” You are so transparent about your suffering, but yet I see God shining through your pain…without a doubt. I do believe in the power of prayer, so I will continue to lift you and your family up knowing God hears those prayers.
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I spent 6 years as. Firefighter/EMT I seen all the things you speak of, though they were not my Children, I weighed so heavy on my heart, being a Mother, I think it’s what God has givin us, I can tell you I spent many nights crying for there Family (Mothers) I so wish I could help ease your pain & suffering, my heart weeps for you & I’m sure many other Mothers whom know you & don’t know you are doing the same. I pray for comfort for you & know as Sisters in Christ I hurt for you! ❤
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Melissa, I have been following your blog since a friend of mine posted it on FB a couple of weeks ago. I have learned over the last couple of years that God absolutely does give us more than we can handle. He doesn’t want us to handle it. He wants us to give it to Him, and let Him be God and do His beautiful work to change us and others. If we could handle everything God brings our way, there would be no need for Him in our lives. You have a gift of writing. You are honest about your emotions, yet you clearly are clinging to the One who works all things together for our good and His glory. May you daily feel God’s love, mercy, grace, and presence in tangible ways.
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Melissa,
You don’t know me, but from your posts I know that we both go to the same church. I’ve been following your blog from your first post until now and I just want you to know that you have been such an inspiration to me. Your heartfelt posts not only bring glory to God, but also honor to your precious son Lucas.
I lost my sister Patti to breast cancer back in November 2011 and I miss her terribly. Even now, grief will hit me when I least expect it. God has faithfully carried me through my time of grief and I know he will carry you too. Here’s a song by MercyMe that has brought me comfort in my grief:
I will continue to pray that you experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand, and that his peace will guard your heart and your mind as you grieve.
Tammy ❤️
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Stay strong. I know you can get through this!!!
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When you mentioned Job it reminded me of this video.
Continuing to pray for you daily.
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I drove by your house tonight, and I prayed for you. I drive by a few times a week and everytime I do, my heart aches even more. I see the memories of the kids playing outside. I see Lucas playing catch with his friends. I see a family who is in pain. These drive-bys of mine are hard because I wish I was still next door so I could help you in any way possible. I can only imagine the floodgates that pour out each time you see a reminder of what was. A loss like this is so unimaginable, not right. I so look forward everyday to your blog because it reminds me of how I need to stay focused on the present. I need to make memories that are pure, lovely, gentle and Christ-like because we simply do not get to see the whole picture here and now. You are precious and I pray that this time of mourning will be filled with grace so powerful that when you look back, you will see Gods almighty hand covering you.
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Praying that God will help those horrible vivid memories to fade and be replaced by all the millions of good ones. You have every right to scream NO NO NO. Somehow I picture God being like the father who holds his child close and allow her to beat her hands against his chest in hurt, anger, and despair. And He never lets go.
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