Why didn’t I see God before?
I thought I did. Yet i didn’t. I wasn’t really opening my eyes to him. How life could have been different had I opened my eyes. I didn’t think I really NEEDED him.
I woke up this morning with a sense of peace. I think I accepted for the first time that Lucas wasn’t coming back. Now to type that it hurts so much but when I first woke up I God saying, “I have him now. I’m sorry he can’t be with you. He is standing in the sun with me. My loving arms are wrapped around him.”
I just wonder why I didn’t see God before. Hear him speaking to me.
Now he is everywhere, in everything, I also had a picture in my mind when I woke up of a beautiful, colorful, intricate mural that represents God. I had sunglasses on before. I wasn’t really seeing all of the mural, in its brightest colors. What could I have seen if I had really looked before, if I had taken the sunglasses off? I know he was there before. I know he is here now. I know he will be tomorrow.
A beautiful mural is the way I think about seeing God right in front of me when I wasn’t really looking. However his hand has been in every. single. thing. since January 16. The deluge of support. My friends that surrounded me and we bonded like superglue. They were there, just waiting, for God’s whisper to go into action. God’s hands and feet have been scrubbing my floors and toilets. Reading to my kids. Making me the most scrumptious meals imaginable. The way my family has been my stronghold. There to keep me away from the edge. The way certain people are always in the right place at the right time.
The stories that have pouring in about my son teaching me so much I didn’t even know. I knew how much I loved him before, I just had no idea how many lives he had touched. I do feel like I lost I bright shining star, but that light will not go out. We won’t be able to see him but his light will lead our way. I always thought Lucas was too good for this world.
I was right.
I cry out to God, why didn’t I see you before? Truly see you? It took being stripped bare. Experiencing a loss so colossal everything else just fell away. I felt there was nothing left of me. Nothing but bare broken skeleton. What’s to live for when you lose your firstborn son? Your treasure? Your golden boy? Your beautiful baby…?
Now I have nothing to live for but Jesus.
melissaconnerblog 
Beautiful!! I personally believe we have all done this….not truly “seeing Him”. When life is “life” and we are doing “okay”, we, (I), forget sometimes that He really does have a hand in every aspect of our life!! Good, bad, or seemingly unbearable times. Don’t beat yourself up, you are human. Lucas gave you so many gifts, but most of all, Lucas has brought you closer to Our Lord and Savior🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏. Lean on Him, and when you are at your weakest, close your eyes and imagine yourself curled up in the lap of Jesus with His hands around you holding you tight. He will never leave you or forsake you Melissa. Thoughts and prayers every day to you and yours.
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oh my heart Melissa, Lucas has a beautiful soul, but my goodness so does his Mamma…..these words are gripping, but so so so beautiful:)
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My son was just telling me on the way to school this morning that he can see a change in people around Central since Lucas’ death, people are trying to “Live Like Lucas”. He said, “There was this one kid that was always so negative and made fun of others”. “Mom, you would not believe this kid, he is so nice now!” Lucas has touched so many lives in his short 15 years on earth. If all kids, especially teenager, could “Live Like Lucas” what a difference our society would be.
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“Live like Lucas” is something that we should all do not just teenagers. WhT a tremendous blessing for you to hear . Praying for you.
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It’s only when we are stripped, naked, and broken when God can truly reform, remold, make us a new creation in His image. It’s very humbling when we can get to the point where we can truly say, “I surrender all.” We all wear these sunglasses to mask our pain, our shame, our stubbornness. Taking them off takes such incredible courage and a step of faith. But wow, yes, the view is incredible. I am so blessed to be witnessing your journey. Your transformation and courage is such a beacon of light, I pray that others will be inspired and changed by this incredible God given beam of redemption and hope.
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So so beautiful——words spoken —-words from your soul – your spirit!!! I asked God last night to please open Melissa’s heart to feel your warm love that only You can give & you have!! Praise God!! Lean on Him always even when your human self forgets or wants you to forget Listening to Christian music even loud while I clean the house not only soothes me but gives me strength. My son & daughter-in-law have had 2 miscarriages. My daughter-in-law actually felt an arm holding her while she was crying alone in her room–she knew this arm was God holding her that He was there My son had a dream after the loss & felt the love & peace of the love that is only in Heaven. He couldn’t believe or put in words what it was like but knew God was sharing this knowing his children are happy & with God. Lucas is feeling that love right now & there will be a day we all will share that love & that will be for an Eternity!! Yes –we all have forgotten that each day we should share or show by what we do that we love Jesus
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WOW! Your words are amazing and strong and beautiful! You are an inspiration to others and Lucas will never be forgotten! Thank you for sharing your heart! You are making this world a better place to live. We are praying for you. ❤️
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