I wake up and my eyes are wet.  I have been dreaming of him, for the first time since the accident.  I don’t remember much about the dream except he was smiling.  Of course he was smiling.  This is the first time I have woken up crying.

Oh the sorrow, it envelopes me. The pain soaks into my bones.  That constant, constant, ache of something that will never be again.

I have been able to picture his face again with out the stabbing pain, just a gentle ache.  His beautiful face.  So strong.  I would touch his cheek sometimes.  I remember how his skin felt.  He had blonde hairs on his chin he would shave every once in awhile.  I would tease him about it, look how long your chin hairs are! We would laugh about it.  I would tell him how handsome he was and he would say “no way Mom”, he would laugh, “I’m a 5.” He always hated how his eyes weren’t perfect and he had a little acne and his hair was rarely how he wanted it.

He was gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

From his hard earned biceps to his quick running feet he was a masterpiece. His long fingers could pick up any instrument easily, shoot a bow and arrow like an expert, write an articulate essay.  They would rub my back and change his brothers diaper.  He would shoot his BB gun and hit a squirrel from like, a bajillion feet. Throw a baseball at over 80 mph.

This was two years ago. I swear he owns shirts.


This was him on December 30. Just before his 15th birthday.


His brain, oh his brain.  He was so brilliant.  He could beat the pants off anyone in trivia.  He had such perserverence after his infection left him with some little issues that became more and more apparent as the work got harder.  Some things came so easily to him.  Other things that should have come easily did not.  I would ask him about a grade and he would cry.  I studied so hard Mom, he would say.  He was that passionate about his grades.  His was going be a doctor.  He just couldn’t always keep it all together.

In my dream he was smiling. If I could only see that smile one more time.

Feel his face one more time. Feel his arms around me one more time.

I wish, for one minute that someone else could feel THIS inescapable pain. THIS ever present agony. THIS endless torture.

I know the answer before I ask it.

Isaiah 53:3 “He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.”

Jesus weeps with me.  He knows my pain.  He will wipe every tear from my eyes.



13 thoughts on “tears

  1. Dear Melissa… I believe that your dream is a gift from God to tell you that Lucas is with Him. The biggest gift I got after my Mom died was a dream and in it, she was whole and funny and alive and it made me so happy. I continue to pray for you every time I get your blog in my inbox and every time I see Lucas picture on a friends FB page and every time I drive Cascade Rd. and every time my JV girls basketball team brings him up. May God bless you today and always with the sweet memories of your Lucas…


  2. Tears fill our eyes as we read your words. We have that lump in our throat and only wish we could have met your Lucas. Your in my thoughts daily and as a mother of five adult girls I can’t imagine your pain. Just know you are in the hearts of many.


  3. I miss him, and I didn’t even know him…thank you again and again for sharing him with all of us who never had the honor of meeting such a beautiful soul 💙

    Psalm 139 13-16

    For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.


  4. Friend, when we comes to you….he is reminding you he is there. His spirit surrounds you…he is there. He will always be there. Our mind at sleep allows them to visit. Hugs and blessing….


  5. Dearest Melissa,
    Your blog and your boy matter. Lucas was a boy with a purpose and he understood that. He knew his identity in Christ. That is a gift. A blessing from God. You were blessed and you blessed him. Whatever you taught him, whatever he experienced, it was beyond what most people comprehend, especially the people Lucas struggled to befriend. Many of us are searching for our purposes, and especially the children that Lucas wondered about as he wondered about friendships. We all search for deep, lasting friendships when Christ is all we need. God wants to be our only focus through Jesus. Lucas understood that. “Go All In”, now written,with Lucas’ name, on my refrigerator, shines as a reminder to me and my family to search for Him with all our hearts and fill our God-shaped holes with love and service to others. My son went to school with your son and I must thank Lucas for opening his eyes to the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. Lucas’ life was discussed not only in my home but in my small group at Lifeline at Ada Bible Church. His life example is a seed. A seed that will lead many to Christ. Your blog is a seed of evangelism that is leading others to Christ. Both you and Lucas will stand in front of Jesus someday and hear “well done good and faithful servants”. As a mom, that is the only prayer that matters… that my children know the only reason they exist, we are created to glorify the Father, through the Son. All our days’ and all our undertakings are sacred, God is drawing near, close by, ready to fill you. He is sovereign and glorified through your emotions. He reigns over your writing. Hallelujah and praise to our God. May his love rain over you in torrents, may his comfort squeeze you so tight it takes your breath, may HE be your light and life when you seek him with your grief, burdens, pain, feelings so raw, may you know deeply that he is present, a lover of your soul.
    And that your community is holding you and your family in our prayers. Keep sharing your journey. We lift you up in love and care like crazy. You are never alone.


  6. Praying for you daily! Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories, feelings, and praises. May You continue to feel the Lord’s embrace!!!


  7. On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and sending hugs to you. Good bless you and your family


  8. On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and sending hugs to you. God bless you and your family


  9. The bond between a mother and son is so so indescribable. It’s different. It’s a honor. We pour our emotions into them. Praying that they will be tender, kind, loving, protectors, and most of all, Godly. We pray they will fulfill every God-given talent, dream, and character. It’s our duty to keep them in line. Melissa, you did this with Lucas. You fulfilled your mom duty to him. He grew to be the things you prayed about. What an amazing answer to prayer. Lucas succeeded. He heard these amazing words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”


  10. Melissa, I know I am among many who wish we could take this away from you, even just a little bit, or temporarily…. I saw your husband and Bryleigh at the daddy daughter dance. It was just in passing and I didn’t talk to him, but I feel so badly for both of them as I do for you. It’s not fair on this earth and in this life. Nobody should have to suffer this much. A loss like this. Incomprehensible. Our family’s prayers for you and yours continue.


  11. I too believe when you see them im your dreams, you know they crossed over and are with God and at peace.it sure doesn’t take the pain away though 😢 cherish those dreams and keep writing!!! 😊❤️


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