In the early morning hours before I finally climb out of my cozy cocoon is when my mind really races.  Today it was in so many places, so many painful places, and yet glorious places as well.

I started thinking about the accident.  For the 40,000th time.  I feel nausea.  I wonder strange thoughts like “what did they write on his attendance record at school?”

I try to distract myself with thinking about how big God is.  My pain feels so big its crushing me.  I pray, “God in your infinite greatness take this pain away.”

How big is God? God cannot be measured.  He does not fit in a category.  There is no number or scale that can begin to quantify the God of the universe.  Yet he knows every hair on my head.  He knows every tear that falls from my face. As I ponder an infinite all creating God, I think of nature.

“I have lived pain and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on summer humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives.”  -Ann Roskamp

Lucas loved nature. To love nature is to love God. That is why Goodwillie was his happy place. This quote by John Ruskin could be his mantra:

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

God is BIG. God is GREAT. God hand created the tiniest flowers to the mighty oak trees. My pain though very real and visceral to me pales in comparison to WHAT GOD IS.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.”

Isaiah 40:28



6 thoughts on “infinity

  1. Everyday you write so beautifully. In your place I don’t know if I could ever get out of bed. I know you have to because you have four children who need you. You are strong beyond your knowing. I’m proud of your courage and dignity.
    Sending you daily prayers and love!


  2. That picture of Yosemite is one of the most beautiful place I have ever experienced first hand. When you hike up half dome and overlook the valley and see the peaks of other mountains, you literally feel closer to God. I imagine that is how heaven is. Standing on a mountain, beautiful peaks surrounding you. Waterfalls gushing, flowers covering the base, rivers flowing. Such amazing beauty. And that is only a glimpse of what we get to see here on earth. God in his glorious kindness, has given us these beautiful gifts for us to enjoy. He knew there would be pain, sorrow, and horrible tragedies. I see these gifts to help remind us that this earth is not our home. It’s a rental.


  3. Your words are so beautiful. This morning during my quiet time, I was listening to the song Forever by Kari Jobe and I felt an overwhelming sense of God’s presence. About 6:45 minutes into the song, a man comes on the stage and starts talking about how indescribable God is. I pray you feel comfort and hope when you listen to this song and hear the words spoken by that man:


  4. Melissa,
    I have been reading a book. I am so sure you are overwhelmed, but maybe it could fill a few quiet moments of your day.
    The thing is, every time I finish a chapter in this book, I just feel like I need to suggest this to you.
    It’s called “becoming myself”, it’s by Stasi Eldredge.
    I just got done reading chapter 11, about Mary; and how her soul was pierced as predicted by Simeon in Luke 2:35. Oh, to stand at the foot of her son’s cross.
    Or the other day, I was reading chapter 9 about the beauty in suffering, you were on my mind through the whole chapter.
    I don’t know, I just felt lead to tell you. And after too many “promptings”, I am doing just that.
    Praying for you today, stand/lay/sit on the Solid Rock, He will NOT move!


  5. Melissa –
    I thought of you yesterday when this song by Crowder came on the radio – “Come as you are”

    Come out of sadness
    From wherever you’ve been
    Come broken hearted
    Let rescue begin
    Come find your mercy
    Oh sinner come kneel
    Earth has no sorrow
    That heaven can’t heal
    Earth has no sorrow
    That heaven can’t heal

    I was especially moved by the refrain “Earth has not sorrow that heaven can’t heal”

    May you feel a little less sorrow today than you did yesterday.


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