can’t

There is something I don’t know how to do.  No one can help me do it.  It goes against the grain of everything I know.

How to accept.  That he is really gone.

How does a mother ever accept that her child that she raised and loved and felt his warm skin is no longer? It is incomprehensible.

I watched him learn to walk and throw and ball, ride a bike and play baseball, lay in the warm summer sand, play with his friends, catch frogs and minnows and crawdads….I can’t keep going.  There are too many things.

I have terrible gripping anxiety, it makes me physically ill.- it’s telling me to accept this and all my rational thought says I have to.

But I can’t.

It can’t be.

I sat in a meeting with principals and administrators and friends planning a basketball game in Lucas’ honor.  We talked logistics, dates, numbers, etc. etc. and I just sat there numb.

Do you realize you are talking about my little boy? He should have been walking those halls when I walked in the building. He had life and warmth and blood pumping through his veins less than a month ago.  He should have come home to me that day and gave me a hug and said “how are you momma?”

It’s not just unfair is wrong and cruel and malevolent. Death is not the way God wants things.

We can NOT accept so many things- war, cruelty, abuse, hunger, poverty, violence…

But somehow I have to accept my beautiful boy is gone.

I can’t.

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7 thoughts on “can’t

  1. Dear Melissa:

    I want to share a poem with you. It was posted on a beautiful young girl’s carepage by her dad. She has fought cancer valiantly for less than a year, and it appears that her healing will be a heavenly one… not the earthly one that her parents have prayed for and believed for.

    The poem is by Robert Frost
    “Nothing Gold Can Stay”

    Nature’s first green is gold.
    Her hardest hue to hold
    Her early leaf’s a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief.
    So dawn goes down to day.
    Nothing gold can stay.

    Lucas was gold. He now lives where the streets are gold.

    I am praying for you.

    If you would like me to forward you the whole carepage post, please send me an email.

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  2. He’s gone ahead of you. It’s his turn to watch over you and all he loves. Keep looking ahead and you will see him in everything. God gave you a wonderful gift and He continues giving. Keep loving the ones near you and allow others to love all of you. God Bless and keep you.

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  3. Melissa : I thank God for you being so honest & transparent with your feelings & thoughts. The Bible verses that follow are such encouragement & inspirations to your readers . They help us to know how to pray for you . I’m so grateful that you are sharing from the bottom of your heart instead of hugging your sorrow to yourself .

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  4. Dear Melissa,

    I’m so sorry that your precious Lucas lost his earthly life. My heart aches for you and I pray for you. Sometimes no words can provide comfort.

    Grief is such a difficult process and everyone experiences it differently.
    I thank you for opening up and sharing Lucas with us and your journey as your heart breaks over his loss.

    Melissa, your love, faith and trust of the Lord Jesus, our Heavenly Father is AWESOME.

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  5. Melissa, I am trying to find the words to express comfort for your anxiety of attempting to accept that Lucas has gone but feel this is difficult for any mother loosing a child so sudden. This comfort or any strength will come from God’s love for you. It will take time each day as our Father says :John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Your faith in God will be your strength May God continue to be with you when you think you can’t do it alone! Continue to make new memories each day with your little ones although maybe difficult & know many are lifting their prayers for you.

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  6. I have been reading your blog most days and praying for you. I don’t know you but I certainly remember thinking the same thing when our family lost our nephew in a tragic car accident. “How can I accept that God took him home!?!” I didn’t just think it. I screamed it! If it helps you in any way, I would say looking back on 4 years now, that many days it feels like one step forward and 2 steps back, but your faith is what keeps you believing and trusting that God is good and sovereign and that He will never leave you. I pray that this verse will bring you some comfort even though our answer may not come till we also get to heaven. Isaiah 57:1&2 “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.” Praying you will keep on. Keep on. Keep abiding in Him. God’s mercies are new every morning and He will give you strength. Praying that you will know Him in a very real and special way. I can’t really describe it, but it’s God meeting you in your pain and making it something you have never experienced before.in a good way. Praying you can have hope in all this suffering. He is there. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  7. I want you to know that your faith is making my own grow stronger. So obviously true that God is never closer to us than in the midst of tragedy. It’s incredible watching him walking with you now.

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